Tips For ‘22
1. Keep it light
At some point this year, you will make your spouse angry. Such is life. But don’t forget that you have a secret weapon at your disposal. That’s right. You have mastered the art of comedy. The world never recognized your gift? Irrelevant. Because you’ve been blessed with an ability to improvise. In your toolbelt is a wide variety of hilarious material that can diffuse any tense situation. All you need to do is let it out.
Next time you see rage in your spouse’s eyes…and hear ferocity in their voice…trust your instincts. The floor is yours. Place your finger on their lips to stop the yelling, grab your nearest banana, and announce, “Houston, we have a problem” right into it. Crisis averted. Fight ended. Your high level of comedic craftsmanship saves yet another day. As always, deflecting with humor is the key to any healthy relationship. It’s why standup comedians are such happy, well-adjusted people.
2. Use hot new slang
Not many people have the “it” factor. But you do. Humans are drawn to your words. They love to hear you speak. So, always search for new ways to sound more interesting. Like studying up on the latest trends in language. For example…
After finishing a great meal, say:
“This just hits different.”
Express the same sentiment while watching a sunset. Also, during a good workout. And so on. In 2022, everything should hit you differently. Now, at work meetings, your go-to phrase should be, “Let’s circle back.” Everyone loves hearing that. It’s one of those rare phrases that never gets old. Who knows why. Maybe it just reminds people of circles. Who among us doesn’t love a good shape, right? So, say it often.
Finally, look for opportunities to use words like “bae” and “fam.” Just don’t be surprised if people start lining up to hear you speak. When it happens, simply say, “That’s lit.”
(If there’s anyone alive who can resist that phrase, I have yet to meet them)
3. Keep things fresh in bed
Is sex important? Absolutely! And a big key to sexual success is not wasting anyone’s time. Think of it as a race to the finish line. Now, while speed is important, you also need to consider your partner’s feelings. We all value positive feedback. So, share a few words after the deed is done. Maybe look at your naked, vulnerable partner and say, “Well, that was interesting.”
Taking your intimacy to the next level means remembering your secret weapon…comedy. This is an advanced level technique. It requires perfect timing. But waiting for the exact moment of climax to ask, “You have herpes too, right?” will create a classic moment your partner will remember for years.
4. Set reasonable expectations
Do you aspire to be a disappointment? Is it fun to let people down? Of course not. So, be very careful where you set the bar in new relationships…
If you’re a man, remember to always leave the toilet seat up. Don’t forget this. Otherwise, she’ll expect you to put that thing down for the rest of your life. Very unrealistic. Who has an extra 5 seconds each day to waste? Over a lifetime, that almost adds up to an entire episode of Seinfeld.
Now, if you’re a woman, remember to spend 3 hours getting ready for that entire first year. This is critical. Beyond just destroying his spirit (very beneficial in relationships), it also sets up a more peaceful future for you. He will spend all of his subsequent years thinking, “Wow, she’s so much faster than she used to be.”
5. Never apologize
Are any of us right 100% of the time? Of course not. But that’s where the phrase “fake it ‘til you make it” comes in. Or “act as if.” You never want to concede that you’re wrong. Instead, master the art of quickly turning defensive whenever you feel cornered. Otherwise, you’ll be plagued with self-doubt. You might as well just carry a sign that reads, “I am weak.”
But accidents happen. If a “sorry” does slip out of your mouth, remember that your tone should be as sarcastic as possible. This will improve with practice.
Over time, hopefully you can build up enough defensive walls that no new information will get through again. You already know everything that you’ll ever need to know. So, it’s important to tune out the noise. Arriving at a place where you can stop listening to everyone other than people you already agree with. Give it time. You’ll get there. Just remember that if you never let anything in, you’ll never be wrong. And you’ll never get hurt. The ultimate goal for us all.
6. Multitask
Recent studies show that Americans spend more hours using devices than ever before. It’s how we stay connected to our fast-paced world. Want to get left behind? Because, in 2022, you can no longer afford to focus on just one thing at a time.
“Downtime” is a relic of the past. If you’re in a movie theater, remember to periodically check in on how your stock portfolio is doing. Maybe clean up your inbox. When driving down the freeway, take a quick glance down to see which Kardashian is trending on social media. Otherwise, you’ll be out of the loop. Even when relaxing at home, always have at least 2 screens between your eyes and the television.
These simple productivity hacks will keep you at the front of the line. Just do your best. You’ll know you’re on the right track when you get through an entire day without making eye contact with another living person.
7. Don’t be easy to read
People are so binary these days, right? They get locked into one perspective. Either A or B. Well, you don’t need to fit yourself into anyone’s little box. You can be a true individual. With logic that isn’t as predictable as everyone else’s. For example…
Let’s say you hate “tipping culture” – all those endless tips for service workers. Well, most people would say just raise the minimum wage instead. Makes sense, right? But what if you can both hate tipping AND protest against higher wages? Nobody will see that one coming. In fact, they won’t be able to make any sense of you at all.
Let’s say you hate vaccines because you’re unsure about what’s in them. Better safe than sorry. But what if you also enjoy questionable food truck tacos? And visit discount all-you-can-eat seafood buffets without a care in the world? People will never be able to figure you out. No tiny little box for your logic. You win again.
8. Engage with the community
Remember when we used to know our neighbors? Those days of yore when we really took the time to care about one another? Well, it all starts with communication. Kind words don’t cost a cent. So…
Next time you’re at the gym, speak to more people. Connect. Why not compliment a random man on his body? If he’s listening to music, just give him a little tap. And then say something like, “I couldn’t help but notice your physique. It really is quite impressive.”
Such an easy community-building gesture.
Even when running errands, pay more attention to the people around you. Let’s say you spot a crying woman. Don’t just ignore her pain. It might be scary, but show a little humanity. Walk up to her and say, “I couldn’t help but notice your tears. Is it because of your haircut?”
That is how friendships take root. It all starts with a person who cares. A giver. It might even be nice to keep a bag of lollipops in your car. That way, you can call out to children and ask if they’d like some candy. Will the community take notice?
You bet.
