Being Neighborly
Whirlwind last month for me.
Numerous flights. Multiple cities. A variety of subpar meals at 30,000 feet.
Fortunately, my greatest passion in life is observing people. So, I decided to get to work. While in the air, I conducted in-depth research about our fascinating species. Studying passengers. Compiling pages of notes. Nodding enthusiastically from the back of the plane.
So many lessons were learned. My friends, this is a banner day in the travel industry. Without further ado, I present…
The top 5 ways to be a great seat neighbor on your next flight:
1 – Begin a very loud phone call right as the boarding process commences. Ideally, increasing your volume as you enter the line. Inane conversations work great. And, based on my observations, those are pretty much the only types of phone calls people make.
But don’t overthink this. Your conversation can be work-related, flirty, or an intense argument. Doesn’t matter. Just as long as it remains loud. See, people in airports are starved for entertainment. So, the key thing to remember is that all of your calls should take place via speakerphone. This does involve some imagination. You’ll need to mentally convince yourself that you exist in a time without earbuds, headphones, or AirPods. Much like an actor going into character.
Now, I know what you’re wondering…
How long should this incredibly loud conversation last?
Great question. Attempt to keep it going until the exact moment a flight attendant threatens to confiscate your device. Or until airborne. Unfortunately, this will mean no more entertainment for your fellow passengers. But fear not. You still have wifi on your smartphone. Which means a long journey through the sky – plenty of time to enjoy a John Wick film. Or possibly the entire series.
(Important note: Remember to stay in character. You still exist in a time without headphones)
We now arrive at a fundamental question…
Do people on airplanes really want to sleep? Of course not. The seats are cramped and uncomfortable. They only nap because of boredom. Your fellow passengers want one thing most of all – to be emotionally moved by Keanu Reeves. So, crank up the sound. Mimic the explosion noises with your mouth. Seat neighbors and flight crew will appreciate your kind spirit.
Sharing is caring.
2 – Have children. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. That’s a pretty big sacrifice just to be a good seat neighbor. But, really, what else are you doing? Just view it as an opportunity to get freaky and have a bunch of unprotected sex. Who doesn’t want that? And, just a few short months later, a child will painlessly appear. Super easy stuff.
Now comes the childrearing…
Important step. You’ll want to do this in a very specific way. Because normal is another word for boring. There should be no resemblance between your baby and all the other lame, “well-behaved” little munchkins out there. Life is for living. Your spawn will be a screaming, moaning force of nature. One who routinely terrifies the rest of the airplane. Why is that so important? Because fear of your baby will distract the other passengers from their fear of flying. See? This is the kind of person you are. Routinely thinking of others.
Sure, it won’t always be easy. But greatness never is. Soon after takeoff, the old guy across the aisle will start muttering vulgarities to himself. Others will silently wonder if you brought a demon baby into the world. Fair question. A flight attendant might even Google, “How to do an exorcism.” Yes, your child will wail. Long and hard. Quickly driving the entire cabin to the brink of insanity. But you must stay strong. Their vacation will start in a few short hours. And it will be the best one of their lives. Because they’ll feel more gratitude to be on the ground than ever.
They’ll owe it all to you and little Damien.
3 – Have you ever noticed the power of music? It transports us. Makes us feel more alive. Don’t you dream of giving that type of gift to the world? Well, if you don’t play an instrument, no problem. This one just takes a bit more planning. You’ll need to arrive at your seat ready to put on a concert of sorts. Which takes dedication. Preparing for the day much like a high-level athlete would. You’ll need to eat all the right things, do breathing exercises, and relax yourself. Really get into a gassy state of mind. Then just let it rip for the duration of your flight. When I say “let it rip,” I do mean that in the literal sense. Now, if you figure out a way to time your toots in a rhythmic pattern? Even better. Just remember to vary the notes. Long and slow bass sounds are great…but follow them with quick, high-pitched squeals. Truly great musicians have range. The goal is to be extremely consistent. Keep your song playing until all passengers have exited the aircraft. Don’t be alarmed if they depart in a hurry. That’s simply because they need to catch connecting flights.
Does your impressive stamina deserve a platinum status of some kind? Of course. But, remember, you aren’t in this for trophies or applause. You are simply sharing your gift.
4 – Much like on the ground, it’s so important to take care of your body while in the air. What matters more than our health? Without it, we have nothing. And, if we want to help those around us, we need to stay in tip-top physical shape. Which means learning to set boundaries when necessary. For example…
If someone in front of you attempts to recline their seat, don’t just sit there in silence. That could lead to cramping. Or even muscle spasms. So, push back. And, to be clear, that’s not a figure of speech. Literally push back on their chair with all of your force. It protects your space and is one of the best shoulder/tricep workouts you can do on a plane.
I know what you’re thinking…
What if they don’t like it?
Well, let’s be real. That’s entirely possible. As you know, people are often unreasonable. Someone might even turn around and explain how they’re using their seat in the exact way it’s designed to be used. In that case, do not engage. Just close your eyes. And allow yourself to drift peacefully to sleep. Stress is the enemy of good health. And proper rest is a key ingredient when trying to stay in top physical condition.
Side note:
Airplanes do get very quiet. This lack of sound tends to make your fellow passengers very uncomfortable. It’s unsettling. So, if you do snore, that wonderful trait will help greatly as a way to cut through the deafening silence. And try not to think about the irrational person in front of you. Most Americans agree that reclining should be outlawed. No doubt about it, the other passengers will fully support your healthy lifestyle. They will take notice of your commitment to fitness.
5 – I have one final revelation to share from last month’s in-depth research.
Probably the most important lesson of all.
Yes, physical health is critical. We all understand that. But mental health is just as essential. And, far too often, it gets overlooked. We’re so busy looking after everyone else that we forget to have fun and relax in our lives.
An airplane is the perfect place to rediscover your joy. On the ground, you reside in a buzzsaw of activity. Always playing catchup. Never enough minutes in a day.
But in the air?
Hours of free time.
As soon as the drink cart arrives, it’s important to start ordering alcohol. Since you’re not driving, this is a great opportunity to cut loose. You should tell your flight attendant that the reclining person in front of you is picking up the tab. This is what’s known as an “olive branch.” It tells the inconsiderate recliner that you hold no grudges. Everyone makes mistakes. And you forgive them for their soon-to-be-felonious act of selfishness.
When’s the next time you’ll have a stretch of free hours like this? Hard to say. So, really try to cut loose. Alcohol is a very effective relaxant. One without any side effects or consequences. Find your bliss. Drink to your heart’s content.
-If that means busting out some of your favorite show tunes, by all means go for it. Your fellow passengers will undoubtedly sing along with you.
-If that means letting out some stress and breaking down in tears…this is the perfect location to do it.
Bottling up your emotions is a slow death. Don’t you deserve better than that? By the time you land, a heavy weight should be lifted from your shoulders. You should feel reenergized. Far better equipped to take care of those around you.
Oh, and if you happen to fall asleep after drinking copious amounts of alcohol?
Just make sure to stretch your legs in the aisle. It will prevent injury. As well as providing a fun activity for your fellow passengers. They will find great entertainment in trying to climb over your dangling limbs. You’ll provide them with a much-needed form of exercise. They’ll be able to stretch their own legs in the process.
See? Even when asleep passed out, you’re the kind of person who helps others.
Happy travels, my friends!
(Note: Any resemblance in the above writing to people on my recent flights is purely coincidental)
