Days Of Yore
The year is 1992.
My trusty Indiglo watch reads, “2:30 AM.”
Ugh. I silence the Pittsburgh Steelers alarm clock, roll out of bed, and rub my groggy teenage eyes. It’s that time of night again already? Oh well. Just a couple of minutes and I’ll be back under the blanket. I stumble my way to the kitchen, grab my mid-sleep protein shake, and gulp it down.
Inconvenient? Of course.
Disgusting? Hell yeah.
But here was the reality of my situation:
- I was 6 feet tall. That’s basically Shaq height for a brown kid.
- I weighed a whopping 140 pounds.
Not an ideal combination. There should have been a sign over my 16 year-old head saying:
“Beware – Heavy winds will knock him over.”
Every night, I staggered out of bed to chug those extra calories. During the day, I ate everything in sight. I stuffed more food into my mouth than Russell Crowe at a Vegas buffet. But, no matter what I did…I just couldn’t put on weight.
Not a single pound.
Editor’s Note:
All these years later (in a cruel twist of fate), I can now drink one beer and wake up fat the next morning.
So, why such a desperate need to gain weight in high school? What was my deal?
Well, this might be hard to believe but…
Girls weren’t exactly knocking on my door for dates. Weird, right? Apparently, having zero muscles and a face that was 98% nose wasn’t a recipe for dating success. Specifically…
I had tons of girl friends. Maybe more than anyone in school. But I had no girlfriends. See the significant difference?
Every night, I spent hours on the phone with my long list of female pals. I was the kid who made them laugh. The safe and dependable shoulder to cry on. When the boys they actually wanted to sleep with were being mean…I was available via my sensitive nerd hotline. Open for calls 24/7.
Sure, I knew how to be a good friend. That was easy. But why wasn’t there a course on how to move beyond that? It was SUCH an unsolvable mystery. I wished that someone…anyone…could see me as more than just a friend. But no such luck. I was a walking, talking stereotype – the nonthreatening sidekick. Everyone was out of my league. And, in my teenage brain, I figured the answer was to put on a few pounds.
Who needed sleep anyway?
As the stereotypical friend zone nerd, I drove the prettiest girl in town (Kelley) to school each morning. Obviously, I was happy to do it. And, clearly, I never made my feelings known. As you can imagine, I was crazy about her. She was the head cheerleader and, of course, dated the quarterback of the football team. Kelley was a morning person who always seemed to bounce into the car mid-conversation. Sometimes she’d share secrets that nobody else knew. Not even her boyfriend. But it was hard to focus on specific words. If she got excited about a topic, she would enthusiastically touch my arm to make her point. And, yup, that was the highlight of my day.
I. Was. Pathetic.
Worst of all, I knew it. I had so much inside to give. But nobody else could see it. And it appeared that nobody ever would. Maybe I was destined to be the guy who plays video games alone while eating Cheetos and listening to R.E.M.’s “Everybody Hurts.”
Well, life is a funny thing. As we all know, it can be surprising. College was a very different kind of experience. Maybe it’s because I filled out…maybe I just grew into my nose…or, against all odds, maybe I started gathering the first crumbs of self-confidence. But, little by little, I started feeling like less of a freak. And…whatever it was…that led to a different type of attention from girls. What started with free drinks from a pretty young waitress…turned into sorority girls initiating conversations with me at parties…and it grew from there. My social life was becoming active. Even (gasp) Kelley wanted to date me. Over the years, there have been so many moments that would have put the 16 year-old me into a coma. I’ve been seduced in the middle of a class, have been invited to join the Mile High Club by an attractive seat neighbor, and have been pursued by a Playboy centerfold. And then some.
Now, let me be very clear. My intention isn’t to brag. I’m an average looking guy and never became anything close to the musclebound Adonis I tried to be in high school. The truth is this…
For years after high school…I was utterly confused whenever a girl was interested in me.
Every.
Single.
Time.
The first night I had sex, my brain went into full-on malfunction. It couldn’t comprehend what was happening. I kept thinking, “Wait, I’m the sidekick funny guy. She should be talking to me about the person she’s actually interested in. What the hell is this lunacy?”
But life moves on.
Over time, the new normal became a lot more…expected. Women no longer seemed unattainable. And I forgot all about the 16 year-old me. What happened to that boy who would’ve done anything just for a girl to have a crush on him? Well, he grew up.
So what I’d like to say to my fellow straight dudes this month is as follows…
We all just kind of move along in our routines, don’t we? And, along the way, it becomes the norm to have someone by our side. But, guys…
It’s been a challenging year. If you have your health AND someone who cares about you in your life…that’s a hell of a thing right now. Sure, you might not be thrilled with your relationship. You might not be sure it’ll last your whole life. But…if you do have someone by your side right now…maybe it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world to make her feel special this Valentine’s Day.
I know, I know…it’s a commercial holiday. And, yeah, you’re a nice guy all year long. But, my dudes, somewhere inside is that awkward teenage version of you. A kid who would’ve done…well, anything…to have someone special wanting to hang out with him every day.
So if you do have someone in your life…
Why not let the kid out this month?
Let him go a little over the top.
Just a thought.
