Can I remember a time without her? Well, she arrived right before my second birthday. So, literally no memories of a world that doesn’t include her in it. She later became the middle child. And you’d need a supercomputer to calculate the number of Jan Brady memes we’ve sent her through the years. We all just call her “T.” It’s quick. Easy. And fits her perfectly. She’s not even high-maintenance enough to trouble us with a second letter in her nickname.
Even as a baby, T never made waves. While I was breaking out of my crib to escape into the night…not a peep. Wouldn’t even cry if she was hungry. Maybe the only infant in history who didn’t utter a sound when her diaper needed to be changed. All good, guys. This’ll get sorted out. No need to cause a ruckus.
And on we went…
Growing a bit older. I decided to start my own private rock band. Well, technically, I just banged on pots and pans all day. Had to express all the loudness I felt inside. T just sat there calmly. Smiling and clapping.
Supportive from the start.
During our school years, I picked up some new hobbies. Like getting kicked out of class. Visiting after-school detention. Lighting stuff on fire. My sister, on the other hand? She loved reading books. The girl actually had a stationery collection. I’m talking about literally collecting pens and paper. Through all of my rebellion, she stayed solid as a rock. Always there for whatever her family needed.
Whatever I needed.
Some things never really change. I’ve spent most of this life in my head. Getting lost in the storm of my mind. Still trying to express all the loudness I feel inside. And, during all of it, T just kept helping. She remained so consistent…and so dependable…that I never thought much about it. Never wondered whether she’d be there.
She always was.
I think even her dog takes it for granted. You can see the daily sense of calm. Even within a tiny canine brain, there’s just no question marks. As a dog mom, friend, employee, boss, sister, or child…I have never seen T drop the ball. She’s the definition of showing up for others. My family jokingly calls her, “the eldest son.” And I can’t help but laugh. She’s just better at the job than I am. Jumping on a call…or a plane…at the drop of a hat. Generous with money, gifts, and time. I’ve known this beautiful soul since the first day of her life. And I have yet to see her let anyone down.
And on we went…
This world feels more solid when someone is your rock.
Then came last week…
Out of the blue, T found out she has breast cancer.
Even as I type those words, they don’t look real.
Don’t feel real.
And, yet, here we are.
She took a nap yesterday. Had a vivid dream. So intense that she woke up confused. For a minute, she thought this diagnosis was only part of the dream. What a huge relief. And then the truck hit her again. It’s real. Her very sudden truth.
I’ve spent my life trying to express all these loud feelings. But still managed to do such a poor job of it. I keep thinking back to when we were kids. T asked me one day:
“Do you think we would’ve been friends if we weren’t related?”
I said, “Probably not.”
And I have a hard time dealing with that one. Grasping how I could’ve said such a thing. Sure, I was probably 12 years old at the time. The idea of saying anything gushy to my little sister would’ve felt like drinking poison. But I know it hurt her feelings.
Why couldn’t I just say it?
Why couldn’t I just tell T she was amazing?
That our dad was on guard with everyone in the world but her. Because she was so sweet…and so kind…that even he could take his armor down.
That I know there isn’t a mean bone in her body.
That people are drawn to her. Even now in this famously distant city. She made friends with all her neighbors. Made them feel like part of a community. Tied them together like she did with our family.
I want to tell her that she was so much more than just the plain one.
The introvert.
The Jan Brady.
I want to tell her that I know she isn’t perfect.
That, like so many of us, she’s a good person with a big heart and damaged self-esteem.
That, fine, she annoys the hell out of me sometimes.
But that she was never just…there.
That I think she was actually wrong about me being the star of the family.
That it was her all along.
I want to tell her that I see her.
That I’ve noticed.
That I hope she can learn from this. How her life is precious.
That she has to show up for herself too.
That there’s more to all this than just a sense of duty.
That her life’s mission should be to find what makes her feel alive.
Well, I mean, plenty of stuff that came later was totally your fault. But that’ll take years to unwrap. Y’know, in the unlikely event that you’re ever willing to look at it.
The point is this…
I understand why your head is such a mess. It’s what our brains do. Even the criminal who rapes a woman has a voice inside trying to justify his actions. Was she was dressed a certain way? See, the human brain can take a tiny grain of truth and twist it around like a very weird pretzel. Sure, she might’ve been dressed in seductive clothing. But here’s the thing about that fact…
Only a complete nutjob would use it as a justification for rape.
Crazy example, right? Very extreme. Clearly, you are not a sociopath. But I had to grab your attention. Because this main point is important. It needs to hit you right in the gut…
There’s a part of you that justifies everything you do.
All of it.
There’s a part of your brain that will always judge others by their actions. It’ll do this for the rest of your life. While judging you by your intentions.
Think of that as a flaw in our programming. Call it “bad wiring.” Do whatever you want with it. But whether you choose to see it or not is irrelevant…
It’ll be true regardless.
Your brain…and your own thoughts…will quite often be the worst enemy you encounter.
Most likely, you have some understanding of this fact.
But it’s around the edges.
In the margins.
With the pills you can swallow.
No, you’re not a rapist. Never will be. Not even in the same universe of being a monster. But does your brain operate in some nutjob-y ways too?
Abso-fucking-lutely.
Today, I’m offering you a chance to fast-forward through the years of therapy you desperately need. A kind of skip-the-line pass. Getting you straight to the finish line of all that work. I’ll put it on a shiny, silver platter. All you need to do is really allow it in. No tricks here. No hidden objective. I’ll cut right through all the years of bullshit. And what’s your job? Simple. Put your defenses down, allow a few moments of true vulnerability, and maybe feel some (healthy) discomfort.
That’s all it’ll cost. But, ultimately, the price will be too much to ask.
And it’s because of that part of your brain.
But we soldier on. In the hopes that, one day, this pill can be swallowed.
Look, I get it. Your discomfort armor is already starting to activate. Might be thinking about skipping this post and coming back in May for the usual witty banter. So, please feel free. This isn’t for everyone. As a matter of fact, it will only appeal to a very small minority. Because we build our lives around not getting too personal. We constantly protect ourselves from danger. So, I really do get it. For most people, a lifetime of programming is sounding the alarm right about now.
But maybe you’re the exception.
Maybe you feel intrigued…
If that’s the case, here’s a quick disclaimer about why this is such a longshot. Mainly because none of it will be sugarcoated. And that “sugar” tends to be a necessary evil. Have you ever wondered why therapy takes a bunch of years to work? No big secret. Same reason so many of us think we don’t need it. When push comes to shove, this pesky part of our brain doesn’t want to look at our shit. It doesn’t want to feel wrong about how it operates. Even with our most dysfunctional stuff. Which is why we need to be gently eased into it. Really think about how wild that is. A loud voice inside of you actually wants to be right about the shit that makes you feel bad about yourself. The stuff that makes you feel small. You know all that inner noise you dream of transcending? Well, it’s the exact same nonsense this part of your brain needs to hold onto. And, man, what a difficult thing to see. If you (somehow) grasped this paragraph and find yourself nodding your head right now? You’ve hit a level of honesty that most people never will.
Let’s take a trip back to when this seed first started growing…
As a teenager, I was abnormally curious about people. Myself, of course. But, really, all the people around me. Family…friends and neighbors…teachers at school…even random strangers. In short, I wanted to figure out why everyone was so fucking weird. No, not just the homeless guy muttering in the street. What about the rich dude in his convertible with all his strange tics? The confident lady with perfect makeup and designer clothes who needed to be so put together at every moment? All those friendly, awesome people around me who were capable of being so…different…in certain scenarios? Humans were a big mystery. And I was ready to play detective.
Eventually, I narrowed it down to specific questions. Like, why is it so difficult for our brains to be wrong? Sure, it’s easier with small things. But what happens with something significant? When emotion gets involved? Always the same old pattern. That quick, instinctive pushback. A resistance. I started seeing it everywhere. The more emotional a moment, the harder it is for a human to be wrong. Were there exceptions? Of course. So, I looked at them. And, underneath the bullshit, those “exceptions” were mostly just attempts to manipulate. Whether to gain someone’s approval. To appease them. A clever tactic that people use to gain something. Not maliciously. Just by instinct. I didn’t judge any of it. Just a kid detective trying to observe. Wanting to learn what the hell makes us so strange.
So, in high school, I started doing what I called “scientific experiments.”
I went around asking a simple question: “When were you wrong?”
Took it seriously. Had a fresh notebook to track all the data. Certainly wasn’t a shy child, so talking to people was never an issue. Mostly, I just wanted to listen. Unfortunately, as a teenager, I had the focus of a squirrel. Lost myself in video games or whatever else for months at a time. It ended up taking years to finish the “scientific experiments.” Finally completed the surveys in my mid-20’s. The results were always so consistent. I had the answers I was looking for. And here’s what I learned:
Most people have a really hard time coming up with an answer. I mean, we’re all wrong thousands of times in our lives. But the majority of people struggled to think of a single example. When were you wrong? Such an easy question. The answers that did come were usually about small, insignificant things. Again, stuff without any emotion attached. I spoke to humans of all shapes and sizes. Various ages, races, and genders. People I loved. Absolute strangers. Everyone in between. And the responses were always in 3 categories.
Either: A – struggled to come up with an answer, B – insignificant stuff (easy to “forgive” oneself for), or C – something more interesting.
That final category? It got juicy. You could see it in their eyes and hear it in their voices. There was emotion attached. Leading to longer conversations. For the most part, it was still a ton of resistance. A “but” at the end. Which became its own category. The “I was wrong…but” people. They basically just took a longer road to not being able to answer. However, a small percentage of people went deeper. Seemed to have more self-awareness. More honesty. More…something. And, with these people, there was always a visceral sadness when speaking of being wrong. It’s what I found most significant. Just how sad they looked when speaking about it. Usually, they seemed to have “wronged” themselves the most. Meaning, they appeared to have paid the biggest price.
And that’s when clarity began to form.
The growth of something big…
Why do we find it so hard to embrace being wrong? Because it makes us feel bad. It causes us pain. And we humans will go to great lengths to avoid feeling that.
At such a young age, this was a breakthrough.
I started observing more closely. The elaborate song and dance we all go through. How we create our personas. Developing our sense of self. Building these identities. Defining ourselves by an adjective or two. And at the root of this? A shared foundation built on avoiding pain. People would rather fall into destructive habits than really feel it. Will live a life in denial…rather than just dealing with that shit. Sure, we feel plenty of stuff. But from within our carefully constructed stories. Inside our own matrix of who we “are.” And what runs this whole show? The same damn part of our brain. The one that justifies everything we do. That one that doesn’t want to feel bad. What the hell is this mechanism? It seems to exist for one purpose – to “protect” ourselves from feeling our shit. So, if that requires dysfunction or dishonesty? No problemo.
Ok, ok, ok.
So, this is why people have such resistance to being wrong.
It always comes back to that same damn part of the brain. Behaving like an enemy. Wearing the costume of an ally.
Boom.
Now the floodgates were open…
It all made sense. It’s impossible to live in this society without falling into “The Big Lie.” Which is what I started calling it. From an early age, we learn the lesson. That the world (and people within it) can tell us our value. We relearn this on a daily basis. Seeing and hearing the message every single day of our lives. So, we believe it as fact. And you’ll see how that plays out in different ways. We all treat our value like a currency that can be increased. Based on our looks, money, success, good deeds, parenting, strength, character…or whatever your individual story is about.
That’s your big lie.
See, you will never actually be a “better person.” And, yes, I know you just experienced an inner reaction reading that sentence. It’s the same part of your brain trying to get loud again. Just be aware of that feeling. See, if you can be a “better person,” that also means you are currently a worse person. Which is exactly how this part of our brain operates. Eventually, we get to the end of our lives still believing it. On a constant search for ways to increase our value. In whatever currency we’ve been raised to use. Even those big, bad bully world leaders are terrified inside. But, of what specifically? Their own big lie. That being weak will make them small. And being “strong” will increase their worth. See, we all do the same dance in different ways. Wrestling with our own big lie. But the truth is this…
No magic pill will ever give you more value.
No reading of self-help books will get you there. Listening to wellness podcasts won’t change it. Behaving in confident (or humble) ways won’t make a difference. No amount of money, no size of house, and no speed of car will change it. None of the sex, love, or approval can help you earn it. There’s zero chance of burying it under any amount of alcohol, drugs, or food. Won’t hit a number of years of acting strong…or kind…that will affect it. Friendly or angry. Fat or skinny. Success or failure. That won’t make any difference. Your charitable acts will never buy it. And no line of people telling you how great (or terrible) you are can ever impact it. Maybe you’re a parent. Or feel alone in the world. None of that will change this.
Your value exists.
Because you exist.
The world (and your brain) are playing an obsessive game of pretend. On an endless loop. Win or lose, it will never make you matter more. Or less. That’s all just a made-up concept. An accepted insecurity that we pass down to each new generation.
A baby doesn’t rank itself against other babies. Better or worse. Superior and inferior. It’s all just noise we learn over time.
Deafening noise.
The big lie.
So, that’s when this puzzle came together. The pesky part of your brain? It doesn’t actually want to be wrong about the big lie.
It needs to believe it.
I want you to look all around you. In every direction. No matter what “type” of person you see, they’re battling with a feeling of smallness. A belief that their value is a currency which can be won or lost. The hottie who needs to stay attractive or else…the entrepreneur who needs to be successful or else…a need to be loved or else…a need to be strong or else…and on and on.
That part of your brain might be trying to say you had a great childhood. What a gift. But, yes, even you are at war with your big lie. Think about what matters most to you. Whether it’s your success or looks or parenting or whatever your “thing” is. Ok, now what happens if you suck at it? What happens to your sense of value and worth then? See, there’s a massive difference between caring deeply about something…and deluding yourself that your entire human value hinges on it.
The latter is a lie.
And the big lie impacts each and every one of us.
World leaders, the rich and famous, the poor and sad…none can exist in this society and be immune to it. Yes, you can absolutely behave in ways that are fulfilling and healthy. Ways that will have a positive impact on others. Of course, you can want love and success. But none of it will ever change your value. It’s not a currency that can be increased.
It’s already there.
Why do people go around chanting “I am enough” like some kind of mantra? Because they believe they’re not. Because of the big lie. The most important thing we can ever do for ourselves is actively search out where we are wrong. So we can develop that muscle. To be able to see that we’re wrong about a long list of things. Which is much harder than it sounds. Because of that part of our brain. But doing this will make it possible to see your biggest wrong. To see your story for what it is. To see your big lie. You don’t have value because of what you own, who you’re with, what you’ve accomplished, the people you’ve parented, the way you look, the approval you’ve gotten, or anything else. And you never lost any value for your failures. No matter what the world says. No matter what your brain says.
This is not something to earn.
Not something you can lose.
Your entire life is branches off this tree. It’s all an extension of this. Can you see your own personal big lie? This isn’t some new age hippie greeting card. It’s about honesty. About realizing you’re more than just the way you’ve been programmed since birth.
There’s just no way to be honest with yourself when you believe your big lie.
The art of staying connected. Pay attention to any alerts coming from your phone. Each and every one of them should be treated as critical. Your device could light up at any moment. So, when it does? Stop whatever you’re doing. Quickly shift your gaze down like a dog finding a bone. And remember to do this every single time your phone lights up for the rest of your life. When sitting in a movie theater. If out to dinner with loved ones. Even while using the bathroom. You now have the world at your fingertips. It must remain the sole focus of your life.
When people show you who they are…believe them. This is especially true on Facebook and Instagram. Because social media is more than just an accurate glimpse into someone’s life. It’s a window into their soul. When viewing a profile page, you are essentially a fly on the wall of that person’s home. Living their day-to-day reality with them. So, observe closely. Those images can be used as a way to increase understanding – of how you should be living. When you can see it, you can be it. And there’s no better way to compare your life to others than via high-speed internet from many miles away.
Join the AI revolution. Technology is moving faster and faster. It’s natural to be scared of getting left behind. But we only fear what we don’t understand. So, why not dip a toe in the water? Start slowly – maybe follow a few of the beautiful AI models you see on Instagram. That’s a pleasant way to begin. Admire their glowing skin, six-pack abs, and toned arms. Soak it all up. Because, together, we humans can evolve past all the body image issues that plague us. We’ll soon move to a much better place. By trying desperately to look like the non-humans.
Keep both eyes hands on the prize. Occasionally, on very rare occasions, your phone will emit a strange squeal. It will be an unusual sound. One that will likely confuse you for a moment. Is this some sort of emergency alert? Do machines have dying cries for help? In this moment, take a breath. Just stay calm and realize that your phone is ringing. Bizarre, I know. But a segment of the population (usually senior citizens) will still engage in old-fashioned traditions. Like verbal conversations. When this occurs, try to remain empathetic. Because boomers deserve kindness too. Just remember to have these conversations via speakerphone so your hands can keep scrolling. It’s best to stay occupied while pretending to listen.
Setting clear boundaries. Times change. And our world continues to evolve. You no longer need to prioritize the comfort of others while denying your own needs. It’s natural to want space. Boundaries allow you to set reasonable limits. Like spending as little time in-person with other humans as you wish. Growing increasingly comfortable in isolation. Just you and your devices. Until reaching the point that you become noticeably awkward and anxious when entering actual rooms with actual people. This is what boundaries are all about.
Enter the circle of trust. It’s easy to be jaded, right? That sort of energy is all around us. But consider the opposite. How many people really allow themselves to trust? How many stay open enough to still believe in things? We’ve all heard the famous phrase – where there’s smoke, there’s fire. And there’s such wisdom in that. Who actually has the time to spread fake rumors? Does anyone? Have faith in the sanctity of a place called the worldwide web. A place where none of the headlines you read are made up. The cyber world isn’t perfect. But it’s rooted in truth. So, allow yourself to trust it fully.
Be yourself. Everyone else is taken. There’s a deep freedom in embracing our truest self. Where we have nothing to prove. Nobody to impress. We feel so much more alive in that vulnerability. Why not live your best life? Here I am. Fully exposed. Wearing my heart and soul on my sleeve. That courage should permeate throughout your social media posts. In every selfie. Nothing but the real you. With only a few minor tweaks of cropping, retouching, skin smoothing, teeth whitening, and facial adjusting. Followed by just a minimal amount of work using body slimming apps. It’s a raw glimpse at the real you. That’s true vulnerability.
Develop your sense of humor. This requires a clever mind. A growing mastery of the ins and outs of comedy. For example, start using the word “literally” in a series of absurd ways. Posting about how you literally just died of embarrassment. Do a similar thing with the word, “objectively.” By using it so incorrectly that people will wonder if you have any idea what it even means. That’s high comedy. And, of course, always continue throwing people off with random misuse of “your” and “you’re.” This wackiness will have your followers rolling with laughter.
(Pro tip: A true comedic master will extend this into their text message conversations. You want to provide more joy to your loved ones, right? When they send you an SMS message, shoot back 7 straight texts instead of putting it all into one reply. They won’t even know what they’re replying to. But they sure as hell will know they’re in the company of a genius)
Still take time to address serious matters. Obviously, it’s important to care about the world. If we don’t, who will? Which is why you should regularly get into political arguments on the internet. When in doubt, push harder. You’ll find that most people, on both sides of the aisle, are eager to have their minds changed. Sharing is caring. So, let your strongest opinions fly. And, beyond that, it’s what you always wanted to be when you grew up – a person who argues about politics with strangers. Now, this isn’t for the faint of heart. You might feel something in the pit of your stomach when you realize the person you’ve been shouting at for an hour is a child. Keep your chin up. True confidence is winning an argument with a fifth grader and then drinking a celebratory beer. In some circles, this is known as “living the dream.”
Stand up for the little guy. Will life ever be perfect? Of course not. So, be the change you want to see in the world. Call out all the privilege around you. Shout it out loudly. From your air-conditioned home. Using your state-of-the-art smartphone. Between episodes of the new series you’ve been binging on one of your streaming services. Just don’t forget to add hashtags. They are the absolute foundation of creating real change in any society. #changetheworld #blessed
