Resolution Report Card
Thanks to big leaps in technology, I’ve been granted a gift. Frankly, it feels like a real-life miracle.
Without further ado…
I shall now begin a text conversation with my future self. Yes, you heard that correctly. I’m meeting me – exactly one year from now. How exciting is this moment? Very. But nerves are also a factor. Mostly, though, I’m just curious. What will the 2027 version of me be like? Having made my New Year’s resolutions today…how much will I have grown? What new wisdom will be shared? Well, no need to guess. Let’s find out from the source. Here we go…
——-
Hi there. This is so incredible. Is it really you?
Wassup dog.
There’s really no way to properly express myself right now. I mean, wow. Can you believe this is happening? How do we comprehend the gravity of all this? What a truly special experience.
I know, right…
Where do we even start? Tell me EVERYTHING. I still can’t believe I’m talking to the 2027 me. So, did we accomplish our goals? How did we do with the resolutions?
Hmm. Remind me of one…
Well…I mean…did we lose the 20 pounds?
LOL. Oh yeah! Twenty is a big ass number, dude.
Of course. Understandable. But did we at least cut down on our screen time? And all the social media?
Hold up, bro. Just seeing a funny post about this bear in some lady’s house.
Sure, but I really wanted to see if we cut down on the—
Gonna send you this clip. Bro, bears are crazy!
Yes, I imagine that’s quite a clip. Maybe let’s just move on to the next resolution. Have we deepened our relationships? Did I become a better listener?
Oh man, this bear is in the fridge right now WTF
Uh…hello? Can you at least tell me we’ve cut down on the politics. I hope we’re not still wasting our energy on all that dra—
–Yo. Are you trying to spar with me?
Wait, what? No, I am you. Why would I want to—
–Cuz I can spar all day long. You want me to burn this down? Oh, I’ll burn this fucker to the ground! These people are crazy, bro. CRAZY WITH A CAPITAL C. So don’t press my buttons!
Ok…um…did we actually make any progress? With any of our resolutions? I’m almost afraid to ask. But are we eating more vegetables?
No doubt. Got at least 3 or 4 mushrooms on this slice right now, baby.
So, we haven’t cut down on the pizza? Is that right?
Dude. You ever wonder if bears like pepperoni?
Indeed. Good point. So, out of curiosity, how many pounds did we end up losing?
NITUYTNKSNjnsa8
Sorry, I didn’t quite catch that.
My bad. Got a few suds on the phone, homeboy.
Wait, we’re drinking beer? Please tell me we’re not back to eating ice cream?
Cool, I won’t tell you. But the answer rhymes with FO SHIZZLE.
I guess it’s safe to say we didn’t get into therapy…
Bro. Reddit says mint chocolate chip is hella therapeutic.
I was really hoping we’d be on a keto diet by now.
Oh yeah, I tried keto. But then I found out the KEY to my happiness is pepperoni. And as far as the TOE part…just fyi…even our toes are a little chubby now.
This is unbelievable. You’ve accomplished none of our goals! Nothing. Zero percent of our resolutions have been achieved!
I mean, did you have a resolution about staying off the crack pipe?
WHAT??? NO!!! WE DON’T DO DRUGS!!!! ARE YOU CRAZY???
Exactly. See, things could be worse. You’ve got fat feet, not a crack habit.
Hmm…wait a minute. One of my resolutions is to look at the brighter side of life.
Boom. Mission accomplished.
Hey, by any chance, did we sign up for that great art class? Or the yoga one?
Gotta run, amigo. This bear is sitting in the chick’s hot tub!
Hold on a second. Just one final question. No offense, but…um…what happened to us?
Look, compadre. If you thought 2025 was a doozy? Better bring your best for ’26. Unless, of course, you want to end up like—
Noted. Thanks for the tip.
kjasldkjfaj9unb
