This is the second edition of “Dear MileNerd,” a new, occasional column where all questions are fair game. The more random, the better. Here are today’s very different topics:
Dear MileNerd:
Roger Federer is about to win the Australian Open & he’s 100 years old!!! Best athlete ever??
-Mark
Had to answer this one. It’s something I talk about often with my buddy Greg. First, we don’t know if Roger is going to win or not. At the time of this post, we don’t even know if Rafael Nadal is going to be there. So I’ll just say this…
Never before in the history of sports has the “greatest ever” been owned by his main rival. Can a player really be the best of all time if they’re dominated by someone in their own time? Nadal beat Roger over and over on the biggest stages. So I’m not even ready to call Fed the best tennis player ever, let alone the greatest athlete.
(Michael Jordan is the answer to that question, by the way)
Dear MileNerd:
Long story but my roommate got me stupid drunk and I met someone. She’s awesome but I have no idea what her name is. She wants to go out again. How would you figure this out?
-Name withheld
Back in my college years, I actually knew someone else in this predicament. Weird. It’s a crazy story to be hearing for the second time in my life. Considering I’m an expert at this now…I’d say these are your best options:
–Introducing her to a friend.
There’s a slight chance of entering a deeper hole if handled poorly, but it’s a solid option. When your friend introduces himself, she will (theoretically) verbalize her name.
–Look at her ID.
Please don’t look through her purse. That’s creepy (and you’re already on thin ice in that department). But if you can somehow get her to take out the ID, you’re home free.
-Hanging out at her place and spotting some mail.
Do young people still get mail? If not, this is a dumb idea and should be ignored. Damn you for making me feel old. But if young punks still use mail, find a piece and you’ll also see her name.
-Have her add you.
Since I’m a non-social media guy, this obvious answer took way too long for me to brainstorm. But why not ask her to add you on Facebook (or whatever the hell you guys use now). I actually think this is your best option. And maybe take it easy on the booze.
Dear MileNerd:
Dude seriously is there anything more annoying than a baby crying through an entire flight? Anything?!
-Phil
Please.
A crying baby?
Such a simple fix…pop your headphones on and you’re home free. You want real problems, try any of the Top 3 Worst Seat Neighbors On An Airplane:
#3 – Barefoot lady who feels really, really comfortable with her uncovered toes.
You know the one. She reclines the seat and immediately props up her feet. Gross. It’s like they’re being put on an display. You try to look away, but it’s impossible. Closing your eyes is pointless too. All you see is toes. In an alternate universe, maybe you find the strength to speak actual words. But not in this life. Your only communication method involves shooting passive aggressive laser beams from your eyes. Solid plan but the beams are undetected. You look around in despair. How are people calmly watching in-flight movies at a time like this? Aren’t flight attendants trained for moments like this? Nope. It’s just you and your inner struggle. Crustyfoot and the rest of the flight stay blissfully unaware.
#2 – Wild young spaz who won’t stop kicking your seat.
The realization strikes you at the first impact. “Oh shit, it’s one of those flights.” A piece of you dies with each kick that follows. Questions flood your brain, one after another…
Doesn’t this kid have parents?
He has to fall asleep soon, right?
What if I throw a peanut at his head?
Of course, turning around and saying something directly is not an option. So you attempt your patented little half-turn and hope that does the trick.
It doesn’t.
You’re doomed.
#1 – Dude in front of you who pollutes the air.
There were many other nominees for the Top 3 (like Armrest Hog and Boring Chatterbox), but this top spot was a lock. Is there anything worse than someone dropping silent-but-deadly fart bombs for hours on a plane? No sir.
You’re trapped in a flying tin box while Stinky McGee toots away without a care in the world. It’s a tortured existence. I mean, what’s the appropriate response in this situation? Dousing him with Febreeze when he stands up? Lighting a vanilla scented candle?
Unfortunately, I’ve studied this particular phenomenon for many years and haven’t found a single solution. My best coping method? I tend to just throw a blanket over my head and silently weep.
Dear MileNerd:
What do you think about being pressured into fake apologies? I hate saying sorry to people when I’m not sorry. Please tell me you feel the same way.
-Karina
Obviously, I tend to say what I mean (for the most part). But you’re absolutely right about inauthentic apologies. Sometimes “politeness’ gets in the way of being real. I spent way too long thinking about this and my top hate-saying-sorry moment is with…
Morons who don’t lock the bathroom. Who are these people? Why won’t they just turn that little knob?
If I walk into a bathroom and someone’s sitting on the toilet…how do I end up being the person who apologizes for it? Their dumb ass put us in this awkward position. Why aren’t they saying sorry for ignoring the basic rule in bathroom use?
You’re a genius, Karina! Here’s what I suggest…
Next time any of us walk in on a person in an unlocked bathroom, we should squint our eyes and whisper “this is on you.” Then awkwardly stare at them until they apologize. Deal?
If you want a question answered in this column, please send me an email with the subject “Dear MileNerd.” I’ll try to get through all of them eventually. And if someone wants to help design a logo for this column, I’ll be your best friend. Have a great weekend, nerds!