This is the 3rd edition of an occasional column where there are truly no dumb questions. The more random, the better. Please email your Dear Abby-type contributions with the subject “Dear MileNerd.” I haven’t done one of these in a while, so there’s a bit of a backlog to catch up on. Here are today’s 5 very different topics:
Dear MileNerd:
I live at home with my parents until I start college in the fall. There is no privacy. Why do they always walk in at the exact worst moment when I’m watching a movie? This blows.
-Brad
(From now on, you shall be known as Bad Timing Brad)
This issue, my young friend, has been haunting teenage boys since the birth of television. It is the original unsolved mystery. Peacefully watching a movie? You better believe your mom will walk in at the exact moment a boob makes its first appearance. If the scene is 30 seconds long, those are the exact 30 seconds your parents will find their way onto the couch. There is no way to avoid or prevent this phenomenon. So, how does it happen? I have no idea. Scientists and researchers are unable to solve this riddle. They have learned that all normal laws of probability should be thrown out the window. This involves a totally different type of math. The equation is really quite simple – boob pops out, your mom pops in. I’m very sorry. There will be no resolution until you move into your dorm room. Stay strong, my tortured young brother.
Dear MileNerd:
What do you think of letting my son play football?
-Amrita
Obviously, football is awesome to watch. The last Super Bowl was one of the best games we’ve ever seen in any sport. But, at this point, you might as well be asking about throwing your kid into a cage filled with tigers. Amrita, are you actually Brad’s mom? Is this some sort of punishment for the skin flicks he watches? Do you secretly hate your child? Look, I’ll watch football for the rest of my life. But letting a kid play it is about as smart as getting credit card advice from a costumed clown in a bow tie.
Dear MileNerd:
How do you feel about bloggers swiping your Dear MileNerd idea?
-Anonymous
Well Anonymous, I have no clue who you’re referring to and can’t say I care to find out. It’s all good. Many of my readers remember what every single mile/point blog looked like before I started. They know my impact. I tend to write long posts when I have something to say about bloggers. Other than that, on average, I spend 0% of my day thinking about them…except when trying to come up with punchlines for Amrita.
Dear MileNerd:
My wife asked me if her jeans made her look fat. Of course I said no but I was tempted to be more honest. I love my wife. But the jeans are unflattering and I don’t understand why she wanted to wear them. Why is it considered bad to be real in this case?
-Steve
Wow.
Steve, it was generous of you to provide an example of what a death wish sounds like.
You’re seriously thinking about telling your wife she needs to lose weight?
Like, this is an actual option you’re considering?
Well shit, it was nice knowing you.
(Ironically, you’re the one who’s about to start running)
Strangely, after laughing for 15 minutes straight… I might have actually come up with a solution that could keep you alive…
How would you describe your physique?
Please be honest…could we accurately refer to you as Stomach Roll Steve?
Those years of eating tacos might be your answer!
Instead of mentioning anything about her weight, why don’t you try bringing up your own gut? Clearly, she’s the more supportive person in this relationship. Her natural instinct will be some form of sympathy. When you start talking about getting in better shape, there’s a good chance she’ll offer to join your workouts. Not only will she lose a few pounds, but you will too.
(Most importantly, you won’t end up as the subject of a Lifetime crime drama starring Luke Perry and Jennifer Love Hewitt)
Dear MileNerd:
Wasn’t sure if you knew, but those young girls in leggings were in a group of pass riders. I’m not saying the pass traveler dress code should always be enforced, but it can. People can wear strange and ill-advised clothing…but not if they’re non-revs on a plane.
-Steve
Sure, United was allowed to do what they wanted. And I’m allowed to think it was dumb. Pretty good bet another airline will have an ad campaign based on this whole thing pretty soon. Was it worth the negative press? Is that really what United wants to draw a line in the sand over? In fact, I’d wager a few bucks there was another passenger sitting on that plane wearing leggings. But no legal or moral objection here. I just think it was dumb. What’s more interesting to me is how fired up people are getting about yoga pants this week. As many of us are noticing, our society keeps reacting with fury no matter the incident. There is more misplaced anger right now than I can ever remember seeing. And less understanding. I hope one day we’ll get back to healthy arguments and debates. For now, it has devolved into our era of trolling. Real communication has given way to the white noise of temper tantrum-y monologues. There is no end goal other than hearing our own opinions and expressing our own feelings. It’s a strange time.
If you want to submit a question for this column, please send me an email with the subject “Dear MileNerd.” I’ll try to get to all of them eventually.
