Chai Tea
Had any interesting conversations lately?
You remember those…
Focused on a person more than a device. Engaged. Brain stimulated.
I just had one of those old-school chats. Courtesy of a longtime reader named James. An affable guy who has emailed for years. Apparently, he lives just a few exits down the freeway. Asked if I’d be interested in meeting. Sure, why not? After all, meeting new people has given me the biggest gifts in all my time doing this. Ok, did it used to feel like going on strange blind dates with dudes? Were there very awkward moments along the way? Absolutely. But, man, there are just so many positive examples now. Strangers turning into readers. Then readers evolving into friends.
12 years into all this, it feels perfectly normal.
We met at my favorite Indian restaurant. James didn’t seem to be an internet weirdo or a serial killer. Good start. Actually, he didn’t appear to possess the awkward gene at all. We dove quickly beyond the usual bro date topics. You know that list – sports, food, money, and women. He actually had more interesting things to say. The conversation flowed like a warm cup of chai.
(Editor’s note: That word literally means tea. So when people order “chai tea” at Starbucks, they’re saying, “tea tea.” Just fyi)
Between bites of curry, James mentioned a passage from a book. The name escapes me. Because…old. That author spoke on a topic I’ve been meaning to mention for months. Brace yourself. You might feel some inner resistance…
All of us (yes, you too) are hardwired to be more influenced by negativity. It doesn’t mean you’re not a “positive person.” Just that negative experiences carry a heavier weight.
James brought up this example:
Your broker calls and says, “Buy more shares immediately!!!”
vs.
That same broker calls and exclaims, “Sell your shares right now!!!”
One of those two things will trigger a stronger emotion in you.
(Assuming you are even remotely honest with yourself, you know which one it is)
We all have a bias…a lean.
The reality of this is tough to accept. When two opposite events of equal intensity come at you…the negative one hits harder. Yeah, I know. Something inside you is fighting that. Same as with me. It’s a “programming flaw” that doesn’t feel great. But we could build a skyscraper by stacking up all the research. It’s real. There’s just no need to beat yourself up about it…
This evolved centuries before you were born. Out of the innate human tendency to look for danger lurking in our environment. Y’know, the same shit that saved your ancestors. Keeping them alert about threats to their lives. So, no, it’s not your fault. Yeah, you devoured a “negativity bias” gumbo. But it was marinating for hundreds of years.
Step 1:
See it.
Step 2:
Irrelevant right now. Since most people won’t get past the first step.
As you know, we humans can be super dishonest with ourselves when dealing with unpleasant feelings. We bob and weave. We do our denial dance. We make up stories.
It’s hard to look at the things we don’t want to be true.
Let me share a memory…
After graduating, I headed out west. Got a job teaching night school at a shitty technical college. It kept my days free to do my real work. The school had an admissions department. Those reps were trained to “find the pain” in any prospective student. To dig. Why do these people want a degree? What’s wrong with their current situation? There’s something they don’t feel good about. Get to the root of it.
For example:
“I hate where I live. We have five of us in a 2-bedroom apartment. It’s a dangerous neighborhood. We need to get out before something happens.”
or
“I wish I could give my daughter the birthday present she wants. The kind of life she wants. It breaks my heart seeing her teased about her clothes.”
Boom.
Now you can close the sale.
Negative bias is a concept that many salespeople understand. The way a strong negative feeling can compel someone to sign their name. And how just talking about positive benefits might not get it done.
Start noticing the ways negative bias lives inside you…
How a 1-star Yelp review grabs your attention differently than a 5-star review.
Or if your spouse hints you’ve put on weight? Realizing they could express how sexy you are every day for the next month. It won’t make the same kind of splash.
Years ago, I wrote a post entitled, “Why Everyone Sucks.”
I’ve written hundreds of better things. By my standards, that was a fairly average piece of writing. But since we’re discussing this concept…
We should also see the ways we manipulate other people through their negativity bias. I got more pats on the back from that post than any other. Why? Because I manipulated the hell out of my readers. Now, I had no clue I was doing it at the time. I just wanted positive feedback. But getting it that way is almost too easy. Rant. Howl at the moon. It’s almost like taking advantage of someone’s handicap.
In fact, why don’t we dig even deeper into this…
Really start looking at social media. Notice how much engagement a post gets when it triggers our collective negativity bias. Or what about the most glaring example? That’s right. Politics. And, no, I won’t talk about Trump, Biden, or any of the specific characters. I just want you to really see how easy this is. Look at how people engage when this kind of tone is used:
“What a disaster those people are.”
“They’re coming for you.”
“That group is infringing on your rights.”
“Your way of life is in danger.”
“I’ll tell you who you should blame for your problems…”
No politician would win by saying:
“Guys, look in the mirror. The main reason for your struggles is you. Not because of anything being done to you. Not because of some enemy coming for you. I’m refusing to push your simpleton button. I want to give you more credit than that. So, here’s where I stand on the key issues. Will this put you to sleep? Maybe. But at least I won’t play games with your emotions. Just realize one thing. In the end, none of us will be responsible for how your life goes. Good or bad. That’s up to you. I can’t save the day. None of these candidates can.”
Sounds pretty cool in theory, right?
But we’re not wired to respond to that.
It doesn’t get our blood flowing in the same way. And, with politics, you’re probably thinking of yourself as an exception. But it’s exactly how social media engages you. Or the stories you read. Even just celebrity gossip. You’re drawn to a cheating scandal more powerfully than you are to a story about a steady, happy marriage. This is how we operate. When someone yells at you in traffic, it has a bigger emotional impact than when someone allows you to go in front of them.
Negativity bias lives inside all of us.
So what do we do about it?
Well, that’s up to you. My goal today? Just getting through step one. Seeing it. I’m well aware many people will have a hard time doing that. It’s better keeping shit simple, right? Stamp nice labels on ourselves and avoid looking at how we actually operate. Hey, maybe we should just go all-in. Y’know, pretend that nobody has any impact on you at all. That things like trauma are made-up concepts. And that you are a “positive person” – which means being totally immune to negativity bias. Forget all the annoying he/she/them stuff. Just start identifying as a robot. That’ll remove all the messiness of being a person.
Yeah, I guess that’s one way to go…
Or maybe just take a look?
