Blind Date
Hi, excuse me. So sorry to bug you. But, um, are you…
Yes, I am.
Wait, you’re Jennifer? Really? Are you sure?
I’m quite certain.
Oh, wow. Of course you are, yeah. Not trying to be awkward here. Just caught me by surprise that you look so–
Thank you.
No, I mean…wow. Sorry, did I say that already? It’s just that you’re so…
Don’t hurt yourself.
I know, exactly. Total spaz alert. Sound the alarm. Like, how many times can a guy say wow? But, honestly, I had no idea you’d be so beau–
Nobody sent you a memo?
Sorry, I’m being weird. Not sure why the ol’ mouth won’t stop talking. Like, how big is this hole I’m digging, right? Just hand me the nearest shovel. Also, for some reason, keep saying “like” and “wow.” Might as well dig all the way to China at this point. Wait, did that sound racist? Because I have zero problems with the Chinese. Or any other type of person. Well, other than myself, of course. At this point, I think even my mom would tell you to end this date.
Hey, at least you stopped saying “wow.”
No, yeah, that was bad for sure. It’s just that you look so much younger than I thought you’d be. Sorry, not younger. What I mean is…um…how do I put this? You’re so beautiful. And it’s kind of blowing my mind. Not that your picture is ugly, but in person you are such—
Wait. Did you say ugly?
Woah, not that. No, no. Wrong word. Sorry, I meant the total opposite. Was trying to say that you’re not ugly.
Let me guess. You’re a poet.
Good one. Point taken. True, I really know how to sweep a girl back on her feet. I get it. This is going very poorly. The thing is, um, I haven’t been on a date in a long time. And I’m just so incredibly…
Horny?
No, no. Out of practice. Woah. Wow. I didn’t mean to infer…well, yes…but I didn’t mean to objectify you like th–
It’s fine, Tommy. My turn to talk now. And, yes, I do know your name is Thomas. But, let’s be honest, you seem more like a Tommy.
Sure, Tommy works. That’s totally fine. You can call me anything you wa—
Easy, tiger. Here’s some breaking news, Tommy. Women are, in fact, human beings too. We also have needs. And, for some unknown reason, I find myself intrigued by you. Maybe because you’re the least confident person I’ve ever met. Literally ever. But probably because you seem less…fake…than the man-boys I usually date. You’re not doing the usual dog and pony show. Can’t imagine you even know how. I think you might be interesting. In an awkward and possibly disordered way. But I’ll give you one chance tonight. How does that sound?
Can I just apologize again for the Chinese comment? Really, that’s been bugging me for the last—
The nation of China forgives you, Tommy. We’re moving on. Tonight, I’m offering you the chance to play a game. Because, frankly, I’m exhausted by the song and dance of dating. Year after year. It’s excruciating. This repetitive ritual of bullshit. All the same people acting fake in all the same ways. So, here’s a game. I want you to be 100% honest with me. Every single question I ask. All you need to do is answer with complete honesty. And, if you can do that, Tommy? If you can do that, I’ll let you take me to the backseat of your car after dinner. No strings attached. Why? Because you’re probably the least threatening person on the planet. And, also, I’ve started to doubt that any man alive can be honest. I’ll do just about anything for some true honesty. Do you want to play my game, Tommy?
Um, the thing is…I don’t want to objectify—
Got it. Noted.
Well, what I mean is…like, is this a trick? Because I think you might be upset about the China th—
Jesus Christ. Yes or no? Do you want to play my game, Tommy?
Yes, please. I would like to play. Thank you.
Complete honesty. With every question I ask.
Absolutely. It would be my honor to–
First question. What’s your greatest fear?
At the moment…uh, well, it’s probably you.
Very good. Let’s see if you can keep up this level of honesty. Next question – what would you do to me if we went to the backseat of your car?
I’m not sure I understand the qu—
Completely honest answers, Tommy.
Ok, um, I mean I’d want to kiss you. If that’s ok. And then maybe I’d try to kiss your neck a little. And then it’s hard to say from there…
Last chance, Tommy. I’m about to leave.
Ok, well, I’d try to take your clothes off. But you’re so incredible looking…and I’d be so excited…that I’d probably stumble around for a couple minutes trying to get your bra off. Then you’d look at me annoyed. Thinking you made a mistake. Which is probably accurate. So my palms would get sweaty. Very sweaty. I’d worry about you feeling my palms and being grossed out. Would definitely obsess on that for a few minutes. Somehow, if you don’t leave by then…I’ll take my pants off. Exciting moment? Sure, for most guys. But I’ll mostly just wonder if you’re disappointed. Which is a bit scary to experience. And by “a bit scary,” I mean utterly terrifying. For sure a living nightmare. So, yeah, I’d mostly just be sweating and hoping I’m not grossing you out. Can’t imagine you’d stick around for all that carnage. But I don’t know for sure. Because this was such a strange question. Also very exciting, by the way. Thank you for the opportunity. Anyway, then if we actually…um…commence the action? Y’know…I mean, well…proceed to liftoff? Sorry, that’s weird. But rockets seem like a good analogy. Regardless, if this event did take place? Then I can’t imagine it would last for more than a couple minutes. Like, I imagine heating up a Hot Pocket takes more time than I could last. Not that I’m calling my thing a Hot Pocket. Definitely not the case. Although I never really had a nickname for it. I guess maybe I’d call it a Jolly Rancher. Or maybe more like a Skittle. Unless, do you not like candy? I can call it something else. Definitely not locked into the fruit-flavored nicknames. Wow, is it hot in here? Can I possibly take a sip of your water?
Meet me at your car in five minutes, Tommy.
Narrator (in Morgan Freeman’s voice):
That was the greatest day of Tommy’s life. Unfortunately, when paying the bill, he had a heart attack from reaching such extreme levels of excitement. He eventually recovered. But Tommy never did make it to the backseat of his car. He spent the rest of his years explaining why he is not a racist. And eating Skittles with a faraway look in his eyes. Dating is very, very hard.
