Hundred Years
Dear Mom and Dad:
This is quite an occasion. Sure wish you were here. How on earth did I get to my 100th birthday? An entire century in the books. Been sitting here dreading some big fuss. You know how I am. Thankfully, people nowadays tend to be very busy. Phones and whatnot. There is a beautiful cake here, though. Worth putting the teeth in for.
I really miss you guys.
Wasn’t it just yesterday I hopped off the school bus and into our house? Backpack heavy. Eager to dive face-first into the plate of snacks mom used to make. As if I hadn’t eaten in years. Same level of hunger each afternoon. Guess it takes a lot of fuel to run around like a maniac until sunset.
I still smile at those memories.
Everything ahead.
All of us overflowing with time.
Those days of running have long since come to a close. Not sure I could even remember how to hop. It seems like my finish line is just about here now. Hourglass down to its last few grains of sand. On this occasion, I can’t help but peek back in the rearview…
Was it all sunshine and rainbows? Not really.
Am I the best version of me I could’ve been? No.
Did my childhood dreams come true? Oh goodness, no.
But do I at least know who I am?
Also no.
At a certain point, we get too old to lie. Even to ourselves. No more energy for that. I think time just got away from me. Weeks disappeared. Then years. Remember my graduation day? From high school? Feels closer to 8 years ago than 8 decades. This tornado of time. Pulling everything into the blur. Do you remember how all my friends would pass around their yearbooks?
They all wrote, “Never Change.”
Pretty much the nicest thing a teenager can say. Imagine if we really had that pause button. So nothing would need to change. Keeping the youth. Our endless energy. That hourglass full of sand.
I’d still be hopping off the school bus.
Knees and back feeling fine.
We’d sit down for another meal. My old appetite. I’d catch a glimpse of you. Not as a distant memory. But together in a room again. Chatting about nothing in particular. Laughing with ease.
“Never change.”
If only.
Where does it go? A lifetime. Just one blink of the eyes and it’s in the past. Now standing at the finish line. Wishing I could express what you mean to me.
Do you really know the impact?
I still see you all the time. It’s part of me. Mom’s eyes and dad’s mouth. It’s on my face. And in my heart.
You taught me how to walk.
How to think.
You live in my sense of humor and wrote my sense of morals.
From the way I cook my eggs,
To my choice of religion.
More than just my strengths, it’s in the weaknesses too. Dad’s struggle to show his feelings. Mom’s temper. Both of you with two left feet.
All of that absorbed. Like a human sponge.
You brought me into this world.
Then built mine.
It’s harder without you here. This hole inside. But, looking back, I guess I never could let you go. Not for a day. Or even a thought. I hold you so close. Reflected back in my mirror. But did I learn the wrong lesson?
“Never change.”
There it is. My big mistake. Why couldn’t I grasp the depth of love? How that word means so much more. You didn’t need me to think like you. Or be like you. Didn’t even want that. Just lacked the words to say…
“Change.”
There’s no way around it.
Find yourself, not in us.
But in you.
I couldn’t see it. Didn’t get it. Just sitting there for me all along. Your limitations didn’t need to become mine. You didn’t want your box to hold me too. How could you know the power you held? Without a crystal ball to see my future.
Now I’m the one who sees. As clear as day. How hard it is to leave home. Because the physical part is easy. The rest is what takes a lifetime.
I finally understand.
It’s time to step into the light.
But now I’m a hundred years old.
