1.Keep it light At some point this year, you will make your spouse angry. Such is life. But don’t forget that you have a secret weapon at your disposal. That’s right. You have mastered the art of comedy. The world never recognized your gift? Irrelevant. Because you’ve been blessed with an ability to improvise. In your toolbelt is a wide variety of hilarious material that can diffuse any tense situation. All you need to do is let it out.
Next time you see rage in your spouse’s eyes…and hear ferocity in their voice…trust your instincts. The floor is yours. Place your finger on their lips to stop the yelling, grab your nearest banana, and announce, “Houston, we have a problem” right into it. Crisis averted. Fight ended. Your high level of comedic craftsmanship saves yet another day. As always, deflecting with humor is the key to any healthy relationship. It’s why standup comedians are such happy, well-adjusted people.
2.Use hot new slang Not many people have the “it” factor. But you do. Humans are drawn to your words. They love to hear you speak. So, always search for new ways to sound more interesting. Like studying up on the latest trends in language. For example…
After finishing a great meal, say: “This just hits different.”
Express the same sentiment while watching a sunset. Also, during a good workout. And so on. In 2022, everything should hit you differently. Now, at work meetings, your go-to phrase should be, “Let’s circle back.” Everyone loves hearing that. It’s one of those rare phrases that never gets old. Who knows why. Maybe it just reminds people of circles. Who among us doesn’t love a good shape, right? So, say it often.
Finally, look for opportunities to use words like “bae” and “fam.” Just don’t be surprised if people start lining up to hear you speak. When it happens, simply say, “That’s lit.”
(If there’s anyone alive who can resist that phrase, I have yet to meet them)
3.Keep things fresh in bed Is sex important? Absolutely! And a big key to sexual success is not wasting anyone’s time. Think of it as a race to the finish line. Now, while speed is important, you also need to consider your partner’s feelings. We all value positive feedback. So, share a few words after the deed is done. Maybe look at your naked, vulnerable partner and say, “Well, that was interesting.”
Taking your intimacy to the next level means remembering your secret weapon…comedy. This is an advanced level technique. It requires perfect timing. But waiting for the exact moment of climax to ask, “You have herpes too, right?” will create a classic moment your partner will remember for years.
4. Set reasonable expectations Do you aspire to be a disappointment? Is it fun to let people down? Of course not. So, be very careful where you set the bar in new relationships…
If you’re a man, remember to always leave the toilet seat up. Don’t forget this. Otherwise, she’ll expect you to put that thing down for the rest of your life. Very unrealistic. Who has an extra 5 seconds each day to waste? Over a lifetime, that almost adds up to an entire episode of Seinfeld.
Now, if you’re a woman, remember to spend 3 hours getting ready for that entire first year. This is critical. Beyond just destroying his spirit (very beneficial in relationships), it also sets up a more peaceful future for you. He will spend all of his subsequent years thinking, “Wow, she’s so much faster than she used to be.”
5.Never apologize Are any of us right 100% of the time? Of course not. But that’s where the phrase “fake it ‘til you make it” comes in. Or “act as if.” You never want to concede that you’re wrong. Instead, master the art of quickly turning defensive whenever you feel cornered. Otherwise, you’ll be plagued with self-doubt. You might as well just carry a sign that reads, “I am weak.”
But accidents happen. If a “sorry” does slip out of your mouth, remember that your tone should be as sarcastic as possible. This will improve with practice.
Over time, hopefully you can build up enough defensive walls that no new information will get through again. You already know everything that you’ll ever need to know. So, it’s important to tune out the noise. Arriving at a place where you can stop listening to everyone other than people you already agree with. Give it time. You’ll get there. Just remember that if you never let anything in, you’ll never be wrong. And you’ll never get hurt. The ultimate goal for us all.
6. Multitask Recent studies show that Americans spend more hours using devices than ever before. It’s how we stay connected to our fast-paced world. Want to get left behind? Because, in 2022, you can no longer afford to focus on just one thing at a time.
“Downtime” is a relic of the past. If you’re in a movie theater, remember to periodically check in on how your stock portfolio is doing. Maybe clean up your inbox. When driving down the freeway, take a quick glance down to see which Kardashian is trending on social media. Otherwise, you’ll be out of the loop. Even when relaxing at home, always have at least 2 screens between your eyes and the television.
These simple productivity hacks will keep you at the front of the line. Just do your best. You’ll know you’re on the right track when you get through an entire day without making eye contact with another living person.
7. Don’t be easy to read People are so binary these days, right? They get locked into one perspective. Either A or B. Well, you don’t need to fit yourself into anyone’s little box. You can be a true individual. With logic that isn’t as predictable as everyone else’s. For example…
Let’s say you hate “tipping culture” – all those endless tips for service workers. Well, most people would say just raise the minimum wage instead. Makes sense, right? But what if you can both hate tipping AND protest against higher wages? Nobody will see that one coming. In fact, they won’t be able to make any sense of you at all.
Let’s say you hate vaccines because you’re unsure about what’s in them. Better safe than sorry. But what if you also enjoy questionable food truck tacos? And visit discount all-you-can-eat seafood buffets without a care in the world? People will never be able to figure you out. No tiny little box for your logic. You win again.
8.Engage with the community Remember when we used to know our neighbors? Those days of yore when we really took the time to care about one another? Well, it all starts with communication. Kind words don’t cost a cent. So…
Next time you’re at the gym, speak to more people. Connect. Why not compliment a random man on his body? If he’s listening to music, just give him a little tap. And then say something like, “I couldn’t help but notice your physique. It really is quite impressive.”
Such an easy community-building gesture.
Even when running errands, pay more attention to the people around you. Let’s say you spot a crying woman. Don’t just ignore her pain. It might be scary, but show a little humanity. Walk up to her and say, “I couldn’t help but notice your tears. Is it because of your haircut?”
That is how friendships take root. It all starts with a person who cares. A giver. It might even be nice to keep a bag of lollipops in your car. That way, you can call out to children and ask if they’d like some candy. Will the community take notice?
Did you grow up with dreams of being just like everyone else?
Was there a fire in your belly screaming out, “I hope to be unoriginal!”
Of course not. But, every January…we all recite the same, predictable, dusty list of New Year’s resolutions. Why not at least consider something unique?
Or, hey, another way to go is to keep hitting replay on the old playlist…
Obviously, you want to eat better and exercise more.
No shit, you want to be happy, organized, and successful.
Of course, you want to spend more time with your loved ones and live life to the fullest.
(Editor’s Note: We all want these things. That will forever be a given. It’s like declaring, “I hope to breathe oxygen this year”)
So, here’s what I propose…
Let’s at least try to be a bit more original, shall we?
Something we all understand is that it’s hard to break habits. That’s what a typical New Year’s resolution comes out of, right? Our desire to replace bad habits with good ones. Eating well, working out more often, striving for better things, etc. But there’s one GIANT bad habit we always overlook…
The way we think.
(It ain’t sexy. But, other than health, does anything impact us more than our mental habits?)
So, what do you say…should we try to shake up our resolution repertoire? For 2022, maybe we can start exercising a muscle that the masses don’t even consider. First, a little backstory…
Clearly, I’m not a genius. I also have limited skills in the kitchen and am even worse as a handyman. There’s a good chance you could fill every stadium in America with people who have more money than me. But there are 2 things I take a ton of pride in:
I’m an extremely honest person.
I know how to care deeply.
We all have our 2 or 3 things. The stuff we define ourselves by. Let’s call these our “home traits.” The main shit right at the bullseye of who we are.
For some, it’s how steady and rational they are. Others define themselves as kind. Some look in the mirror and the main thing they see is a great work ethic. And so on. But there’s something so interesting I keep observing. It’s a common struggle we all have with our thinking…
We have a hard time remembering moments that contradict our “home traits.”
Let me explain…
I could rattle off a dozen examples of the ways I’ve sucked in the kitchen. Or all the times my handywork has been a mess. It’s easy to remember. Because that shit doesn’t sting. It’s not what matters most to me. But what happens when I try to question my home traits…
Ask for 3 examples of me being dishonest last year and I will STRUGGLE MY ASS OFF to come up with an answer.
My brain will try to turn the key, but the memories won’t crank up.
In short, I don’t want to go there. I define myself as honest. And I don’t like to see any exceptions.
That was a big discovery last year. I saw it over and over with people. We all seem to be wired this way. In spite of our millions of differences, we share this exact mental habit. A kind of protection of our home traits. These tiny little adjectives (like honesty for me) become who we are. So, is there anything wrong with that?
Well, the thing is…we’re human beings.
We’re not just 2 or 3 adjectives.
Your home traits…just like mine…start to make your vision of yourself too narrow.
It becomes too small of a box.
Let’s say your home trait is how “selfless” you are. That becomes the way you define yourself. What you see in the mirror. But the reality is, you’ll have moments of selfishness just like the rest of us. It might be as small as cutting someone off in traffic accidentally because you’re running late. But here’s what happens…
When I ask someone with the home trait of “selfless” to give 3 examples of their selfishness (big or small) from the last year…they will struggle like crazy with that question. Their brain doesn’t want to access to those memories. There’s a mental habit standing in their way. Just like all of us with our home traits.
Here’s a makeshift chart with some examples of how this works (a person’s defining home trait is on the left):
“Hard worker” – will struggle to think of examples when they were lazy last year
“Reliable” – will struggle to think of the times they were flaky last year
“Strong” – will struggle to think of examples when they were weak last year
“Impeccable integrity” – will struggle to think of times they let someone down last year
“Nice” – will struggle to think of examples of how they were unkind last year
“Easygoing” – will struggle to think of times they were rigid last year
And so on.
Does this all make sense? I realize it’s complicated to express in writing. But the main idea is that, over time, we “become” the adjectives that define us. In our own minds. And we really don’t want to see the exceptions. Personally, I don’t care nearly as much about being rich and powerful or any of that stuff…as I do about being honest. That trait matters most to me. Which is exactly why I struggle to think of examples that contradict it.
So (if you’re interested) here’s a challenge for 2022:
1. Identify your home traits. I imagine you’re already pretty damn familiar with them. I mean, these are the main ways you define yourself. But actually write them down.
2. Think of a few exceptions. Specific examples from last year when you weren’t those adjectives. For me, that means specific times I wasn’t honest. The examples can be big or small. But, again, write them down.
Some of you are probably wondering…
What’s the point of this? To feel worse about myself?
Nope. That’s the exact opposite of the point. We cling so tight to the traits we value most. We all do. And, over time, we start clinging on too tight. We do this to form our identity. We take the adjectives that matter most (like honesty for me) and define ourselves in very rigid ways. It gets very black and white. As time marches on, we lose more and more of the gray. The big box of just being a human becomes…the much smaller box of our home traits.
I know this was an earful. But if you’re interested in a unique New Year’s resolution, here it is. Consider spending time with those moments. The ones when you weren’t honest or selfless or reliable or whatever it is that you identify as. Start with this exercise. Then let it grow. This resolution is nothing more than letting yourself “just” be human. Seeing how your vision of yourself has been too small.
And, look, if you just can’t think of any examples of being selfish (or whatever it may be)…
That doesn’t make you a superhero. It means you have plenty of room to be more self-aware.
Too many New Year’s resolutions are about achieving. As if you need to be more than what you are. Like you need to earn or prove something. This resolution is very different than most…
Just challenge your thinking.
I’m sure you’ve noticed how our society can look at things in such polarized ways. All that simplistic, black-and-white thinking can get old, right? Well, we do the same damn thing in our minds with who we are.
This post won’t be for everyone.
I get it.
Totally understandable.
But I think it will resonate with some of you. I hope you’ll define yourself a little less in the ways that feel most familiar. And, once your vision expands past that small box, it will do that for the people you care about too. If we see ourselves in limited ways, we can’t help but see other people like that as well.
Anyway, I think that’s a pretty cool resolution for 2022. (along with eating well and working out and all that other shit)
Not in some Jim Carrey, relentlessly in-your-face way. More like a switch he can flip. Whenever ice needs to be broken, he gets people laughing. If conversations at a group dinner turn stale…he knows how to get the table grooving again. Nothing fake. He’s just kind of built for those moments. With an outgoing personality and a seemingly endless collection of stories…it flows out of him easily. And he certainly never minded a spotlight.
But most of us change with age.
Over the years, his need for attention decreased. He could still get the good times rolling in group settings…but started to step back once the festivities were in full swing.
He seemed to observe the room more.
With softer eyes.
And then, one year, he saw something new…
Sure, he was still the court jester whenever groups came together. Doing his familiar song-and-dance at the start. But he noticed that socializing (the very thing that gave so much joy) was actually a stressful experience for some. He started seeing it clearly. At every medium-sized to large gathering…there was one person who appeared almost invisible. Sometimes young. Sometimes old. But always kind of hiding in plain sight. He realized that by being so wrapped up in the fun…he’d always looked right past that person with the sad eyes.
It bothered him. And now he couldn’t stop seeing it. No matter the occasion, there always seemed to be a person sitting alone to the side. He found himself gravitating to that person whenever groups came together. He certainly didn’t want to be a nuisance. But he couldn’t help but observe the loneliness in those eyes. And he was blessed with the gift of gab, after all. Maybe he could just say hello in case of any interest in a conversation.
He started to make a habit of that.
You never know what might brighten someone’s day, he learned.
People don’t always need a song and dance.
Sometimes they just need to be seen.
—–
I know a guy…
Who finally learned how to unplug.
This whole world of technology caught him by surprise. He’d grown up playing in the streets. As a kid from another era…he spent his formative years riding bikes, examining insects, and shooting hoops. Technology? Please. He didn’t even wear a watch. The only way he realized it was time to go home was by seeing the sun disappear.
But the world moves fast.
As an adult, he grew more and more dependent on devices. Like everyone. Now, his iPhone was lighting up 20 times each hour. And, much like a trained seal, he’d reach for it without thinking. Was every alert really that urgent? Couldn’t he occasionally ignore the buzzing?
It was getting ridiculous. Ok, he asked himself…who’s in control here? (A) Man or (B) Machine
(Hint: the correct answer was not A)
Society moved full steam ahead. Everyone was fully plugged in now. So was he. Netflix and streaming apps for entertainment (because TV alone wasn’t enough)…podcasts when his eyes left a screen…and a phone always within inches of his grasp. By now, he was even checking his calendar app a dozen times per day. But why? Had anything changed since his last glance 10 minutes ago?
He started wondering: Is this advancement or obsession?
How many times did he need to check out the price of Bitcoin? How many opinions did he need to read about every world event? How much information did he need to absorb from these devices?
…how much was enough?
Being plugged in wasn’t necessarily a recipe for happiness. He found himself more annoyed in general. By the endless news updates. By all the ongoing commentary online from countless strangers. He even got bothered by the way people typed “LOL” randomly into sentences. He didn’t even know them. Why was he so easily irritated?
He started to question himself. Maybe there was a such thing as being too plugged in. Was it really necessary to stay engaged with “the world” each day? It was a thought that had been marinating for years.
He ignored it.
And then, one year, he finally learned how to unplug.
Sure, he still needed to spend big chunks of time with technology. There was no way around it. But he started disconnecting more often. He went for walks alone. Leaving his phone at home felt strange at first. No screens, no music, and nothing to entertain him. Not a single post to read. Just him and his thoughts.
He remembered how to turn down the noise.
And it was a breath of fresh air.
—–
I know a guy…
Who tried on a new pair of shoes.
Since childhood, the truth was clear. He was afraid. The ever-present anxiety sat there like a boulder in the pit of his stomach. All the thoughts played on a loop. Would things work out? Was he enough? Was he worthy of love?
He disguised his self-doubt well.
People looked in his direction and saw a brave, confident dude.
But, despite what the world saw, he spent his life in fear. It was his most comfortable pair of shoes, so to speak. Only the tiniest piece of his soul wanted to yell, “I’M TIRED OF THESE DAMN SHOES!” But all that ever came out was a faint whisper. And it was quickly drowned out by the much louder fears.
He noticed that there were plenty of people who were able to leap without a net. Carefree humans in every direction. Didn’t they know they were supposed to worry? How on earth could they live in such a way?
But, secretly, he wanted to experience that kind of freedom too.
He just couldn’t abandon his most comfortable shoes.
Year after year, it frustrated him.
And then, one year…finally…he took a chance.
He was tired of being scared.
So he tried on a new pair of shoes.
And they carried him to new and wonderful adventures.
—–
You probably figured it out by now, but “the guy I know” in the stories above is me.
“And then one year” comes from my imagination of how 2022 might look.
We humans see things in pictures, right? Our oldest memories live as home videos in our heads. So, as we reach the end of this year, maybe it’s good for us to look at some of those pictures. Of where we’ve been. As well as the images of where we might like to go.
I hope you had a safe and healthy 2021. Obviously, this has been a challenging couple of years for us all. I genuinely wish you the very best in 2022. You deserve it. Hell, I think we all do.
