Thank you so much for coming in. Your reputation precedes you. And, quite frankly, this resume was head and shoulders above anything we expected to receive.
I’m the goat.
Um, yes indeed. Well, as you know, we hope to gain some of your expertise when it comes to connecting with younger generations–
Lowkey thirsty.
Oops, sorry. Let me get you some water. I assume Evian is acceptable? On that note, I should mention that we have a number of international clients. A growing market. By chance, do you speak any other languages?
Si.
How wonderful. So, you speak fluent Spanish?
Nah, j/k.
Apologies. Sorry, I seem to be getting a bit confused here. When you said “si,” it sounded like–
You’re extra.
Oh…thank you so much. I certainly try. Now, we did hear back from each of your professional references. And I’m not quite sure how to put this. Your reputation is – well, rave reviews is an understatement. One client called you a “wizard with words.” Multiple people referred to you as a linguistic genius–
Fire.
Certainly. Sorry, not to pry, but do you always speak in…catchphrases?
That slaps.
Oh, no no. We oppose violence – whether physical or verbal. I didn’t mean to offend you. It’s just…well…let’s move on. So, that was a no to foreign languages, correct?
Salty.
Hmm, I didn’t quite catch that one. But we can just skip to the meat of the questions. Are you at all familiar with our business model?
Go woke, go broke.
Well, I’m not sure our organization is…woke. I mean, our revenue stream comes mostly from cigarette sales. And, as a tobacco company, there’s no big secret to why you’re here. We need a new head of marketing. Our reputation has, uh, taken a bit of a hit. We believe a fresh, new voice will connect with the youth. And you are second to none in that respect. So, here’s the bottom line. We need you. It will be VERY good for business if we can learn how to speak to younger generations. Because they pretty much hate us right now.
No cap.
I mean, I don’t know exactly what our valuation cap is. Not off the top of my head. But I can have that information to you by the end of the day. Is that acceptable?
Mid.
Yes, precisely. We did reach mid-cap status this year. Thank you so much for doing your homework on us. I speak for the entire organization when I say we are honored you’ve taken such an interest.
I stan.
Again, wow. Just so impressive. Yes, internally we do expect Stanley to be our next CFO. But that information hasn’t been released publicly yet. May I ask how you even know that? I hope you don’t mind. Did you see it in the news somewhere?
Ok, boomer.
Um, excuse me. I do understand that one. And I can’t say I appreciate the insult. Not in my own office.
Sus.
Now, wait just a minute. Sus? Sus?? I have two children at home. Not much older than you, by the way. And they both already call me th—
Let ‘em cook.
Ok young man, that’s enough. Time for you to go. You can walk those hip jeans and fancy sneakers right out the door. I said hit the road! Get your Gen Z, too-cool-for-school energy out of here!! Pretty sure I have neckties older than you!!!
Cringe.
Um, hold on a second. Ok? If you could just…maybe…not share this story with your followers. Please. It wouldn’t be good for the company. Or for me individually…
That tracks.
So…are we ok? Can we just put this aside? Honestly, I do respect what you’ve accomplished. Just kind of lost my head for a minute. Look, I know you’re the best of the best. As Time Magazine said, you are a master of modern communication. So, please don’t leave. In fact, why don’t you just go ahead and name your terms? Write down a number. Because we’d love for you to be the voice of this company. What do you think? How does that sound?
Yup, that’s right. Deal with it, manly men. Congrats on your ability to chew glass and spit out nails. I realize that you can eat fire and fart out handcrafted wooden furniture. Look, I get that you shave with a machete. And do all of it while sipping from a can of beer…
But the face I look at in the mirror each day?
It could easily grow a massive, thick unibrow.
So, yeah, I get this taken care of every couple months.
And allow me be even more honest. I actually like going to the eyebrow place. No, wait, let me correct that. I secretly love walking in there. Why? Because it feels damn good to take care of myself. Fine, sue me. Shouldn’t we take pride in respecting oursel—
—ok, sorry, that’s actually not the reason I love walking in there.
Here’s the real truth…
The old lady who runs the place apparently thinks I’m the studliest guy around. Quite literally. I mean, she doesn’t even call me by name. Not even sure she remembers my name at this point. She just refers to me as, “Handsome.”
“Hello handsome!”
“Good to see you, handsome!”
“How are you, handsome?!”
And so on.
Not gonna lie. It feels pretty great to hear. Especially as an aging nerd with sore hamstrings and a bunch of gray in my beard. But, man, when I walk in there? It’s like Handsomefest ’97.
Cut to last week:
I take a look down at the ol’ calendar.
Boom, it’s eyebrow time.
I walk through those doors. Strutting in there as usual. Almost gliding. Even the hamstring feels great on eyebrow day. I look around at all the old ladies in their chairs. Wait, are they checking me out too? Sure seems that way. Does everyone in here think I’m a stud?
Hey, maybe that’s just called good taste.
I grab a seat and wait my turn. Flashing my megawatt smile at all the friendly faces. Is this what it feels like to be a movie star? Nothing but adoration. Fans all around.
Welcome to Stud City. Population: me.
I pick up a magazine as another guy walks in. Please note that I would never make fun of his appearance. That’s not who I am. But let’s just say he looks like a total mess. People would probably describe him as, “unfortunate looking.”
Sorry, bro.
You can’t all be movie stars.
The eyebrow lady takes notice of his entrance. Poor guy. But then she turns excitedly to him and says:
“Hello handsome!”
Wait, what?
Hold on a minute.
And then it dawns on me…
As my cockiness melts into panic.
While my hamstring tightens up like a rock…
Apparently, this is just the word she uses for EVERY GUY WHO WALKS IN THE DOOR. To her, all of us are “handsome.”
I sure wish I could tell you what happened next.
But I blacked out for the next 3 days.
So, to summarize, I no longer take part in the act of grooming.
I now chew glass and fart out handcrafted coffee tables.
If I had a son, maybe I’d write him a letter. Might even use an “A through Z” type of format…
Allow things to affect you. Why? Because it’ll happen regardless. So you can put up a big, exhausting fight to bury your feelings. Or not. The world around is getting more robotic. Give yourself permission to stay human.
Be an original. Your unique “weirdness” is a superpower, as the kids say. Really take a good look around. People who are comfortable in their own skin can make some very big impacts. Don’t hide who you are. Be memorable.
Cologne – just say no. Oh, and while you’re at it, stay away from the hard drugs. Floss your teeth. Use sunscreen. Let’s click the fast-forward button to the end of your life for a second. Wouldn’t it be nice to look back at some good choices?
Don’t be a dick. You will make some incorrect assumptions about people. It happens. Because you’ll never really know anyone’s story. Not fully. It isn’t a journey you lived through. So, try to remember that none of us are a finished product. And give yourself that same courtesy.
Everything can change in an instant. Your intuition is often much smarter than your brain. Really listen to your gut when it’s trying to sound the alarm.
Find more humor in your day. Things will get heavy enough. Keep it light when you have that luxury. Hold on to the silly. Remember to have fun. And awaken your playful spirit as necessary.
Good guy vs bad guy is a story for children. In reality, the “good people” sometimes hurt each other. The “bad ones” can have moments of kindness. So, how do we handle that? By growing up. And realizing that human beings are more than just an adjective. You’ll never have the power to define a person. And nobody will ever own that power over you.
Have love in your life. It doesn’t need to be a person. Just love something. Anything. You can love a dog, the beach, playing tennis, a fun book, a sad song, or whatever else. Just keep love in your life. Otherwise, what’s the point?
It’s astounding how much you’ll never know. That goes for all of us. So, avoid ego traps about knowledge. You should never feel bad for saying, “I don’t know.” Really embrace those words. They’ll be the foundation of your lifetime hunger for learning.
Just breathe. Learn to do this in overwhelming moments. As simple as it sounds. Even if it appears to be the most basic of basics. Life will get loud. You’ll need to know how to quiet the noise and just focus on your breath for a moment.
Kiss more. While you’re at it, laugh more. Listen more. Move more. And say “yes” to more.
Look out for the future you. “What do I want– that piece of cake or a healthier body?” Each day is packed with those kinds of questions. And not about food. Daily choices between immediate gratification and investing in the future you. Give some consideration to the old guy yet to come.
Money isn’t the root of all evil. But unhealthy self-esteem is. Sure, you can make an enemy of some green pieces of paper. But why? Get to the root of it.
No such thing as a hot 90-year-old. Don’t make this aging outer shell more important than it is. Focus on a person’s heart, spirit, and actions. That’s a much deeper type of beauty.
Only apologize if you mean it. Otherwise, stop wasting their time. Every street in your town is overflowing with people whose words lack meaning. That club doesn’t need another member. Be a man who says what he means.
Play the martyr card and win sad prizes. It’s a simple math equation. Lack of gratitude equals a surplus of unhappiness. Avoid engaging in the “Who has it harder” game. If others want to play it, make sure to lose badly.
Quit playing it so safe. Does that mean being reckless? Of course not. But look out for your pitch. Be willing to take a big swing. To make a leap of faith when the moment is right. At some point, you have to take a chance. Or things will never change.
Remember to check in on people. It’s such a gift to have someone to care about. So, reach out. Keep all the important birthdays in your calendar. Send sweet or funny messages. Allow your people to feel cared about. Everyone in your life will have a last day with you. And you have no idea when that’ll be.
Say thanks. Even just to the waiter who brings you a glass of water. Or a stranger who holds the door. Express it out loud. This is a verbal reminder that nobody has to do anything for you. People have a choice. And none of the gifts you receive are promised.
Take punches head-on. It’s unavoidable. And I wish I could spare you all of that pain. But really look around. At how some people build an identity around disguising their hurt. At the way others self-medicate because of it. All of that will only deepen a wound. Such courage is required here. Because fear wants to dominate your life. You will either look this right in the eyes or be slowly suffocated by it.
Understand that you will never be perfect. You’ll screw things up in a big way sometimes. There will be amends to make. Forgiving yourself will often be the hardest part. You are allowed to be imperfect. Winners tend to lose more than anyone else. They just don’t give up along the way.
Value your well-being. Can you share what you don’t have? Of course not. Think of it like hosting Thanksgiving dinner. An empty table means you can’t share a plate with your guests. But the more you have, the more you can give. So, in life, your primary job is to fill your cup. With health, happiness, and fulfillment. To pursue what makes you come alive. Now, with your cup overflowing, there’s so much that can spill over to others. That fact will never change. You cannot give what you don’t possess. Isn’t there a reason we don’t walk straight into traffic when crossing the street? What is that reason? You care about yourself. Be proud of it. Because the alternative is brutal.
When someone hurts you, be specific. Ask yourself if it might be communication-related. An attempt to say something that just isn’t landing. So many relationships are thrown away for the wrong reasons. It’s a concept too difficult for the masses. The pattern is to get upset and react. Over and over indefinitely. Try to look closer than most. Talk things out with the people worth talking to. But, of course, if someone is trying to hurt you…that isn’t someone you need in your life.
X-rays, blood tests, and whatever is needed. Keep all of it handled. Take care of your body. Only then will you have the good fortune of focusing on day-to-day matters. As the saying goes, “A healthy person wants a thousand things. A sick man only wants one.”
You have so much to offer. Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise. Ever. Not for a single second. Playing small will never help anyone. So, shine your light as bright as you can.
Zero percent of this planet will make it out alive. That includes you. So, keep coming back to the most basic question of all. What do you want?
Hi, excuse me. So sorry to bug you. But, um, are you…
Yes, I am.
Wait, you’re Jennifer? Really? Are you sure?
I’m quite certain.
Oh, wow. Of course you are, yeah. Not trying to be awkward here. Just caught me by surprise that you look so–
Thank you.
No, I mean…wow. Sorry, did I say that already? It’s just that you’re so…
Don’t hurt yourself.
I know, exactly. Total spaz alert. Sound the alarm. Like, how many times can a guy say wow? But, honestly, I had no idea you’d be so beau–
Nobody sent you a memo?
Sorry, I’m being weird. Not sure why the ol’ mouth won’t stop talking. Like, how big is this hole I’m digging, right? Just hand me the nearest shovel. Also, for some reason, keep saying “like” and “wow.” Might as well dig all the way to China at this point. Wait, did that sound racist? Because I have zero problems with the Chinese. Or any other type of person. Well, other than myself, of course. At this point, I think even my mom would tell you to end this date.
Hey, at least you stopped saying “wow.”
No, yeah, that was bad for sure. It’s just that you look so much younger than I thought you’d be. Sorry, not younger. What I mean is…um…how do I put this? You’re so beautiful. And it’s kind of blowing my mind. Not that your picture is ugly, but in person you are such—
Wait. Did you say ugly?
Woah, not that. No, no. Wrong word. Sorry, I meant the total opposite. Was trying to say that you’re not ugly.
Let me guess. You’re a poet.
Good one. Point taken. True, I really know how to sweep a girl back on her feet. I get it. This is going very poorly. The thing is, um, I haven’t been on a date in a long time. And I’m just so incredibly…
Horny?
No, no. Out of practice. Woah. Wow. I didn’t mean to infer…well, yes…but I didn’t mean to objectify you like th–
It’s fine, Tommy. My turn to talk now. And, yes, I do know your name is Thomas. But, let’s be honest, you seem more like a Tommy.
Sure, Tommy works. That’s totally fine. You can call me anything you wa—
Easy, tiger. Here’s some breaking news, Tommy. Women are, in fact, human beings too. We also have needs. And, for some unknown reason, I find myself intrigued by you. Maybe because you’re the least confident person I’ve ever met. Literally ever. But probably because you seem less…fake…than the man-boys I usually date. You’re not doing the usual dog and pony show. Can’t imagine you even know how. I think you might be interesting. In an awkward and possibly disordered way. But I’ll give you one chance tonight. How does that sound?
Can I just apologize again for the Chinese comment? Really, that’s been bugging me for the last—
The nation of China forgives you, Tommy. We’re moving on. Tonight, I’m offering you the chance to play a game. Because, frankly, I’m exhausted by the song and dance of dating. Year after year. It’s excruciating. This repetitive ritual of bullshit. All the same people acting fake in all the same ways. So, here’s a game. I want you to be 100% honest with me. Every single question I ask. All you need to do is answer with complete honesty. And, if you can do that, Tommy? If you can do that, I’ll let you take me to the backseat of your car after dinner. No strings attached. Why? Because you’re probably the least threatening person on the planet. And, also, I’ve started to doubt that any man alive can be honest. I’ll do just about anything for some true honesty. Do you want to play my game, Tommy?
Um, the thing is…I don’t want to objectify—
Got it. Noted.
Well, what I mean is…like, is this a trick? Because I think you might be upset about the China th—
Jesus Christ. Yes or no? Do you want to play my game, Tommy?
Yes, please. I would like to play. Thank you.
Complete honesty. With every question I ask.
Absolutely. It would be my honor to–
First question. What’s your greatest fear?
At the moment…uh, well, it’s probably you.
Very good. Let’s see if you can keep up this level of honesty. Next question – what would you do to me if we went to the backseat of your car?
I’m not sure I understand the qu—
Completely honest answers, Tommy.
Ok, um, I mean I’d want to kiss you. If that’s ok. And then maybe I’d try to kiss your neck a little. And then it’s hard to say from there…
Last chance, Tommy. I’m about to leave.
Ok, well, I’d try to take your clothes off. But you’re so incredible looking…and I’d be so excited…that I’d probably stumble around for a couple minutes trying to get your bra off. Then you’d look at me annoyed. Thinking you made a mistake. Which is probably accurate. So my palms would get sweaty. Very sweaty. I’d worry about you feeling my palms and being grossed out. Would definitely obsess on that for a few minutes. Somehow, if you don’t leave by then…I’ll take my pants off. Exciting moment? Sure, for most guys. But I’ll mostly just wonder if you’re disappointed. Which is a bit scary to experience. And by “a bit scary,” I mean utterly terrifying. For sure a living nightmare. So, yeah, I’d mostly just be sweating and hoping I’m not grossing you out. Can’t imagine you’d stick around for all that carnage. But I don’t know for sure. Because this was such a strange question. Also very exciting, by the way. Thank you for the opportunity. Anyway, then if we actually…um…commence the action? Y’know…I mean, well…proceed to liftoff? Sorry, that’s weird. But rockets seem like a good analogy. Regardless, if this event did take place? Then I can’t imagine it would last for more than a couple minutes. Like, I imagine heating up a Hot Pocket takes more time than I could last. Not that I’m calling my thing a Hot Pocket. Definitely not the case. Although I never really had a nickname for it. I guess maybe I’d call it a Jolly Rancher. Or maybe more like a Skittle. Unless, do you not like candy? I can call it something else. Definitely not locked into the fruit-flavored nicknames. Wow, is it hot in here? Can I possibly take a sip of your water?
Meet me at your car in five minutes, Tommy.
Narrator (in Morgan Freeman’s voice): That was the greatest day of Tommy’s life. Unfortunately, when paying the bill, he had a heart attack from reaching such extreme levels of excitement. He eventually recovered. But Tommy never did make it to the backseat of his car. He spent the rest of his years explaining why he is not a racist. And eating Skittles with a faraway look in his eyes. Dating is very, very hard.
