(This is my image of the last meeting at Hyatt headquarters)
We have a lot to be thankful for this year, ladies and germs.
It’s getting late, so let’s cut to the chase…
That’s right everyone, throw your hands in the air!
Now wave ’em around like you just don’t care!
Look…even if we weren’t the best hotel chain…let’s get serious…
Our competition SUCKS.
I mean, they’re terrible.
Come on, after this Starwood-Marriott thing, there’s NOBODY to worry about.
So let’s rip these ties off and turn this into a real celebration!
Tops are optional, ladies!
Woah. Uh, I was just kidding Doris…
Yeah, this is awkward. Moving on…
My friends, I’ve been brainstorming for at least the last 15 seconds…
I’ve come up with something truly special here.
Remember the great Diamond Challenge we had? The one everyone loved?
Sure we killed it for no reason…
It was good and fair for all involved…
But hey, mistakes happen.
So I was thinking we should bring it back and then step it up a notch!
Are you ready???
What if we GIVE AWAY our top status!!!
As the great Oprah Winfrey would say…
You get a Diamond!
You get a Diamond!
You get a—
…uh, Doris…let’s please try to keep our shirts on.
Guys, Doris is pretty drunk again, but she’s on to something…
Nobody would EVER get upset if we just give away Diamond status!
There’s truly no way to screw this one up.
Sure, the people who worked hard to earn status last year might get a little pissy…
But we’ll have nothing but support from everyone else!
Plus, we’re going to steal all those jackasses who stay at Hilton, Starwood, and Marriott.
Man, this is gonna be GREAT!
Wait, this is way too easy.
I think we should make it a little more complicated…
No, how about a LOT more complicated!
I think we should only give away Diamond status to a few random people.
Then to everyone else who reaches out…
We’ll just offer them useless Platinum!
Exactly Doris, that’s the same status they already have from their credit card.
Because, really, who gives a shit anymore?
It’s not like people talk to each other in 2015.
They’ll never realize we’re just randomly giving some people Platinum and some Diamond.
Oh man, this is brilliant!
No matter if people reach out at the exact same time…
With the exact same Hyatt status…
Matching from the exact same program…
We’re just going to randomly give Diamond to some and not to others.
In fact, let’s totally ignore some people.
Oh, and then make sure you give different answers to others.
Doris, you tell them one thing and I’ll tell them something different.
We’re not going to use any rhyme or reason on this one.
Because who the hell needs it anymore??
Our competition is such a joke that we can disappoint current Diamonds…
And wannabe Diamonds…
And we’ll still win!!!!
Nobody else could figure out a way to bum customers out with a free giveaway!
Only we can do something like this!
Alright guys, I need to do some Christmas shopping so let’s wrap this up.
I like to give my son waaaaaay better Christmas gifts than my daughter every year.
Not for any real reason…it’s just how I do things.
She never seems to mind.
Because nobody can complain about a gift, right?