Mile Nerd

This is the first edition of “Dear MileNerd,” a new (occasional) column where all questions are fair game. I’d say the more random, the better. Here are today’s 5 very different topics:

Dear MileNerd-

I don’t want to sound like a freak so hope you don’t mind the anonymous email. I have never been in a serious relationship. Now I’m dating a girl but she doesn’t know that I like still go to strip clubs. Can’t help it, I was alone for a long time. Should I tell her or should I keep sneaking around? I feel like a kid who sneaks out after his parents go to sleep.

-Secret Perv

First of all, Secret Perv, have you ever calculated how much money you’re spending on this hobby of yours? And is it strange that was the first thought I had when I read your email? Ok, moving on to the question…

I’m assuming you’re young, doing well at work, and haven’t made the worst mistake in the history of mankind…falling in love with a stripper. Nah, it seems like this is just a habit you aren’t ready to kick to the curb.

My advice is this…

Grow up, dude.

If they’re letting you into these clubs, you’re legally an adult.

So act like it.

That doesn’t mean stop doing what you like. It just means you shouldn’t sneak around like a scared child. Hey, guess what, maybe your girlfriend is a perv like you. This hobby might actually bring you two young deviants closer together.

Or maybe the relationship will deepen when you share your night secrets with a person you care about. Maybe the shallowness of random boobs will seem less exciting after you experience that kind of vulnerability.

Who knows? But, no matter what, lies and secrets aren’t healthy. So man up.

Dear MileNerd-

Moving to Chicago but partner will have to commute weekly back to Rust Belt City without lounges. Will fly alone and choose flights based mainly on price. For lounge access in ORD, which would you get: United Club/Chase or AA Exec/Citi, or other?

-Bob’s Your Uncle

It’s a tricky question. O’Hare is a big pain in the ass (in my opinion) so it would be better to have an idea what airline you’re flying most. I’ll just add a couple more card options to the ones you named – the Ritz Carlton (lounge access and the annual travel credit) or Citi Prestige (same plus Admirals Club access for 5 more months).

Dear MileNerd-

I check Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram throughout the day. I know you don’t do social media but all of my friends and family are the same way as me. It seems like everyone has a great life on social media. My life is good too and I don’t want to complain but sometimes it makes me feel bad. What do you do about keeping up with the Joneses? 

-Sunil

Stop comparing, dude!

You’re never going to be the richest, most handsome guy in the world. Sometimes you’ll hear crickets when you tell a joke. And when you take off your shirt, you probably see a gut hanging over your chicken legs…

So what??

As a baby, did you worry about other infants being less wrinkled than you?

No way.

You learned this bullshit.

So it’s time to get comfortable in your skin, snowfake.

You’re unique.

And the clock is ticking.

Dear Mile Nerd-

My wife and I have an old car with 166k miles on it. We plan on buying a new car at the end of this year. The current car needs a head gasket replacement, a repair that would cost around $600.  Should we have the repair done, or save that money to put towards a down payment?

-Irene

Interesting question! It depends on a few things (need for a properly running car right now, savings, value of the current car, potential for more problems, etc).

Since it has 166,000 miles on it, I’m going to guess this car isn’t worth a ton. Maybe it’s a sign (or just a good time) to move on. If the financial situation is good, I’d probably try to find a deal on something else and make the move.

If money is tight, I’d see if I could negotiate that $600 down (maybe bargain for a cheaper cash price) and hopefully you can stretch this out a few months. I’ve had some luck finding cheaper parts on Ebay Motors (be very careful and and make sure you look at feedback). That has saved me a few bucks with my mechanic.

Dear MileNerd-

This whole Donald Trump thing isn’t funny anymore. I’m not into politics but this seems completely surreal. Would he even qualify to get an exit row seat? Will this ever feel less insane?

-Julie

Here’s the thing, Julie…

If you got to the root of why most people are the religion they are and have the politics they do…your brain might fall out of your head. Millions of Americans live and die never coming up with their own beliefs. They just grab on to what mommy and daddy told them to think and never let go.

Years later, when they get challenged on their “principles,” they’re ready to go to war. Over what? Something they never even examined?

Donald Trump understands that most people feel small. And when people feel small, they get angry. That’s all he needed to have a chance (along with facing an unlikable opponent).

A few years ago, I had a teaching job with a break every hour. Man, I loved those breaks. My favorite thing was going in and riling up my coworkers. I’d start talking about our shitty pay and weak benefits…I just took the frustration in the room and pointed it in a specific direction. Pretty soon, people were practically ready to strike. It took very little to get the fire lit.

That was basically the full extent of Trump’s strategy. It was incredibly simple. He understood the power of emotion and just riled shit up…

“Do your lives suck?”

“Do you blame those lying politicians?”

“Well I’m not one of them.”

“I’m going to make things great for you!”

“What’s my plan? Who cares because it’s going to be great!”

I’m not going to disagree with you, Julie. This is basically a bad sitcom. But what’s also scary is the way people argue now. I look around and nobody listens. Nobody on either side will concede anything…

Did Hillary Clinton do a good job? No way. She was awful in the debates. She was stiff and awkward and made it a who-do-you-hate-less contest. But good luck getting Democrats to say that.

And Donald Trump? This isn’t about Republicans vs. Democrats. We just made a D-List reality TV host the President. An internet troll. Whether someone liked Obama’s politics or not, he was a good person. A good man. Donald Trump is anything but. Sadly, it doesn’t matter what his latest craziness is. His supporters won’t budge either.

This has become much more about ego than politics. And there might not be a solution. It would take people being very honest with themselves and there’s very little of that happening right now. Julie, we’re about to have a very dishonest, troubled person as President of our country and you’re scared. Well, you probably should be.

If you want a question answered in this column, please send me an email with the subject “Dear MileNerd.” I’ll try to get through all of them eventually. Have a great weekend, nerds!