Mile Nerd

Quarantine Life

Why is it so hard for us to be vulnerable? Countless walls. All these defenses. Well, I’ve had enough of it. I’m going to write an honest, unfiltered diary during this crazy stay-at-home time. And I’m peeling back the curtain to share it with you. To really let you in. Follow along if you want a totally open glimpse into my life. All we can do is take this day by day. So let’s get started…

March 12^th
Dear Diary:
It seems like everyone I know is stressing about staying at home. Why? This quarantine is a golden opportunity to become more disciplined. As long as it lasts, I vow to eat healthy, keep my mood bright, discover new hobbies, and (hopefully) become a better man. This is a reset button. I’m going to use it.

March 15^th
Dear Diary:
Had my first Zoom call for work and it was incredible. So fun! What can I say…today was easy. Drank a green smoothie, lifted weights, and still have 55 rolls of toilet paper tucked safely away in the closet. Honestly, this is a breeze. I look in the mirror now and see a focused, disciplined machine.

P.S. Will I become the Michael Jordan of self-quarantining? Don’t bet against it.  

March 19^th
Jumped on Zoom again for work this morning. Sort of a stressful start to the day as I remembered I didn’t put pants on for the call – whoops! Casual Friday I guess. Thankfully, nobody noticed.
Also had a small dietary slip-up after dinner when I ate half an Oreo cookie. Stay strong, big guy…those are only for weekend cheat days. Gonna bounce back huge tomorrow. But so far, so awesome!

P.S. I’m planning to learn a new language soon – should be fluent within a few weeks.

March 21^st
Wait…did the entire day pass by without me showering? That’s a bit unusual. Guess time kind of slipped away from me after the mailbox interaction this morning. Was totally minding my own business…just checking the mail…when nosy neighbor Jared rolled his eyes at me. Gave a dirty look. Um, since when am I required to wear pants on my own damn porch? Last I checked, this isn’t a fashion show in Milan.

Had to indulge in a beer and a couple of Oreos to calm myself down. It’s fine.

P.S. Nobody likes a busybody, Jared.

March 24^th
Been a bit of a challenge to get back on track. Apparently I offended my boss on Zoom this morning by “bragging” that I haven’t worn pants all week. Whatever. It was just small talk. But maybe I shouldn’t have called him a Zoom Nazi. Never seen someone turn that shade of red.   

Things are gonna be ok. Ate 7 Oreos to calm myself down. It’s all good. Just need to lose a few pounds, shed some bad habits, and get back to disciplined beast mode.

March 27^th
Been running low on food. And also discipline. It’s just everywhere I turn, the fridge is around the corner. Can’t stay away from that shiny, rectangular box of deliciousness. Really should get in the car and go somewhere. Just not today. Been watching something called cornhole on ESPN2 since I woke up. Riveting stuff. How was I unaware that this is a televised sport?

Also, is today Wednesday?

March 28^th
Turns out yesterday was Saturday. Weird. And apparently it’s still March. The cornhole announcer just mentioned it during today’s telecast. Those guys were debating where they’d want to eat if restaurants were still open. For me, it’s an obvious choice – definitely Applebee’s. Never actually been to one, but they’re the main sponsor of the cornhole league. And the food looks really impressive. Certainly hoping to dive into their mozzarella sticks one day soon. But it’s tough to go anywhere right now. Mostly because I don’t know where my pants are. There’s no mozzarella in the house, so I’ve just been eating blocks of cheddar cheese.

April 3^rd
As a responsible citizen, I don’t leave the house without putting a mask on. Well, I hadn’t actually gone anywhere yet. Until today, that is. Just needed to prepare my outfit. Spent a few hours, did some sewing, and success! No skin exposure other than my left eyeball. But as soon as I walked into the grocery store, a so-called “sweet” elderly woman scoots right by without wearing a mask at all. What’s up with that, Bea Arthur? Are you the queen of England or something?

Was ready to give her a piece of my mind when I remembered there’s no way of telling how many old lady germs she has. So, of course, I stayed 6 feet away and held my breath. But there are much bigger issues at hand than Bea Arthur – I’m down to 40 rolls of toilet paper and there’s nada on the shelves here. NOTHING. Focus, man. What would Michael Jordan do in this situation?

To succeed like MJ takes dedication. So there’s really just one option. And, actually, it’s surprisingly easy to hide in a grocery store for the night. This way, I’ll be well within striking distance when the TP arrives on shelves at sunrise. If we’re being honest, yes, it’s a bit chilly under all these dairy products – but morning will be here soon enough. And the dreams of holding 24 new rolls of Cottonelle will keep me warm tonight.

So excited I can hardly sleep!

April 4^th
Woke up at dawn with a fire in my belly. And also what I think might be a moderate case of frostbite. Whatever. This isn’t the time for quitters.

As soon as the coast was clear, I stormed out of the dairy section and Usain Bolted to the toilet paper aisle. But a homely-looking creeper was there already with his dirty, ungloved hands on my Cottonelle. Who the hell? Wait, it can’t be. He turned toward me and I realized it was none other than nosy neighbor Jared. How did I forget that he always wakes up with the birds? Dammit. Does this mama’s boy even know that Cottonelle is twice as absorbent as the leading national brand?  

I slid right up to him. And, yes, words were exchanged. That’s life. It happens. Did I cross the line by saying I hope he gets the rona? Possibly. But it was no excuse for that busybody to call the manager over. And since when is there a store policy against how people choose to wear their pants?

Listen, I haven’t worn anything on my legs for weeks. So if I decide to put my underwear on the outside now…that is 100% totally my right. Apparently people have forgotten about a certain legend named…oh, I don’t know…Superman. Big-time double standard. Clark Kent was a worldwide hero for putting his underwear on the outside of his pants. But as soon as I become CottonelleMan by doing the exact same thing…it “frightens the customers” enough to get me escorted out? Whatever. Didn’t wanna wear stupid pants anyway.

Came home and had a few beers to calm myself down. It also seemed to help with the frostbite pain.

P.S. Maybe I need a hobby.

April 5^th
Ate a block of cheddar cheese and 12 Oreos for breakfast. Stomach is making strange noises. My belly sounds a lot like a mariachi band right now. So I’ve officially named it Alejandro.

Need to get some exercise and walk off the extra pounds, but too many freaks outside without masks. No way I’m going out there.

Better to keep the godforsaken pants off and watch some cornhole. Spent the day minding my own business enjoying a case of beer when it finally hit me – I’m down to 35 rolls of Cottonelle. What. The. Fuck?

Not good.

I’d love to say I handled the news better. But after looking up the symptoms, I believe this is what’s known as a “panic attack.”

P.S. Will my legs ever stop trembling?

April 11^th
Tossed and turned all night. Had intense nightmares about a giant roll of Cottonelle chasing me through the house. Unfortunately, I’ve never studied dream analysis. There’s no way of knowing what it all meant. More importantly, it appears I’ve grown a second chin during quarantine. Considered going for a jog but had to finish off these Oreos to get them to stop staring at me.

Can’t remember the last time I ate anything other than cheese, beer, or these delicious cream-filled pieces of heaven. Whatever. Spent the rest of the day lost in my imagination. Mostly just daydreams about normal stuff like Jared in various torture scenarios.

Need to get back on track tomorrow.

April 24^th
I’ve started to grow a mullet – I believe his name will be Heinrich.

(Should probably run that by Alejandro first. Don’t want to create any problems at home)

P.S. Is it normal to take naps at 11:30 at night?

April 27^th
Made good progress today. Some solid moves. Was finally able to escape the cornhole vortex to go for a run. Started out well but, at the end of the street, I spotted a child without a mask. She was both tiny and fearless. I found myself frozen in place on that sidewalk. It felt like slow motion. She stared at me with her unblinking eyes…took the lollipop out…and started to cough.

Naturally, I ran home screaming.

May 1^st
Going to see my family for the first time in over a month later today when I attend my sister’s Zoom wedding. Am I supposed to throw rice at the computer? And will they still recognize me as CottonelleMan?

Feels like I’ve found a nice groove in the self-quarantine. Sure, my doctor says I’m at a dangerous weight right now. And, obviously, Jared’s restraining order won’t expire for another 6 months. But I’m currently experiencing a lovely buzz from my brand new concoction. I call it Beer-E-O. So delicious and incredibly easy to make – just 9 parts beer and 9 parts Oreo.

Overall, life is good. It really felt like I experienced a breakthrough when I hit my last roll of Cottonelle yesterday. My mom describes this a “psychotic break” but I’m not familiar with her complicated scientific jargon. I believe I’ve found true freedom. Never been happier or more alive.

P.S. Is this September?

Surreal Life

I’m sleeping very soundly these days because of two words…

Donald Trump.

Sure, for just a moment, I started to wonder if he’s actually a doctor at all.

But then I had a pep talk with myself. And it was really tremendous. You’ve never seen such a beautiful pep talk. Believe me, a lot of people are talking about it.

I asked myself a reasonable question…

Why should I care about a medical degree from some overpriced loser college?

In fact, what is a “doctor” really? Can’t anyone just buy one of those white coats at the store?

It’s far more impressive to have a natural gift for science and medicine.

And nobody…I mean, nobody…is as gifted as the host of Celebrity Apprentice.

Sure, it can get slightly confusing. We hate Hollywood people and our leader is…well, a television producer for Hollywood. But I just remind myself that details are as useless as minorities.

We, as winners, stay focused on what really matters:

That not just anyone gets to hang out with Gary Busey and Dennis Rodman on TV.

Who could possibly understand working, small-town people better than this man who owns a gold Manhattan tower?

Nobody.

At a time like this, we could all use a little perspective. So here it is from the top:

Stop thinking about your silly job.

Don’t focus on the dumb economy (other than when it’s up).

And, no matter what, ignore the weird flu that people keep crying about.

Look around.

Breathe it all in.

Most likely, you’ve never felt more happiness or confidence in the future.

THIS is living.

And if things weren’t exciting enough already, I just heard something juicy off the record…

This rumor comes from someone VERY high up the ladder (Scott Baio). Apparently we are extremely close to a vaccine now. According to my source, the country’s foremost expert is working in the lab as we speak. In fairness, he does need to take occasional breaks to film his My Pillow infomercials. But that’s pretty standard stuff.

The official statement from the White House is that “a lot of great things will be happening.”

So quit your childish whining about luxuries like food and toilet paper.

Focus on the great things that will be happening. Especially because there will be a lot of them. And that’s a direct quote.

I’ve heard some of you claim that an “unbalanced game show host with no qualifications” running our country is weird.

But it’s not.

And you know what else?

You’re weird.

See, the problem is that you focus on all the wrong things. You make jokes about my main man being a “grifter” who steals from charities. You poke fun at his struggles with challenging things like spelling and reading. But what about recognizing true greatness when it shows up at your doorstep?

See, the only thing Donald Trump knows how to do is kick ass.

And anything you hear to the contrary is fake.

In fact, that’s a great life lesson. Whenever you dislike something…just call it fake. Obviously, we know about the media. It’s clear that 100% of individuals who go to school for journalism are fake. But cats are pretty unlikable too, right? So I think we should call them fake. Also bologna sandwiches. Totally fake.

(Hopefully you’re starting to embrace this new-and-improved way of life as much as I am)

Now that we’re discussing it, why do hospitals need so many masks and ventilators for a flu like this?

Yup…sounds like the hospitals are probably fake too.

Now you’re getting it.

We need to do better, guys. And going forward, we need to stop with all the selfishness.

Especially our so-called “sweet” grandparents who’ve already had plenty of years here on earth.

Can you believe those old bastards would rather live their lives than think about the stock market?

(HOLY SHIT, what if our grandparents are fake too??)

When all of this is over, we should learn how to be more like our leader. And this step-by-step guide should help along the way:

1. Always claim to be an expert at everything. Never been to Canada? Doesn’t matter. Pretend you know more about Canadians than anyone. Never cooked an omelette? Just say you’re better at it than Julia Child. Because that’s how winners think.
2. Avoid having reasonable debates with anyone who dares disagree with you. If someone is disloyal enough to have their own opinion…publicly shame them. As loudly as possible. If possible, refer to them as a pig.
3. When someone quotes you…even if they’ve literally recorded your words…respond by saying, “I never said that. And you’re nasty.” If all else fails, grab the person by the pussy and/or make fun of their ethnicity. Always remember that immigrants cause 100% of all problems.
4. If you ever get intimidated by criticism, just remember your elementary school years and think “nuh-uh you are.”
   (Example: If someone comments on your mental instability…call THEM crazy. It will catch them by surprise and impress all your friends)
5. Start having rallies. Because that isn’t weird at all. You’ll need to start small with family members and neighbors. Just remember that all that matters in the world is having people who praise you. The goal is to create a never-ending black hole of attention you need. One that can never be filled. It’s good to have hobbies and this is a noble one.

It’s great to share all of this wisdom. But I’m starting to worry about what we’ll do when it’s time for a new leader. Ideally, the world will end before then and we won’t have to worry about it. If society does continue, clearly politicians are the worst. It’s going to be important to clean that mess and find another real person we can trust. Hopefully we can get someone high-profile…maybe a Harvey Weinstein or Bill Cosby type? They both seem pretty no-nonsense. Just as long as it’s not a politician. It’s very important to find someone whose first government job will be President Of The United States.

All in all, March was tremendous. Even though this flu is a hoax, we’ll probably only lose 200,000 people from it. And that seems like a huge win. Wait…if most of those people are poor, did they ever even count as being alive?

In closing, all of this is true.

Also, Santa Claus is real and The Points Guy is a super trustworthy blog.

A Simple Time

Let’s gather around the campfire, close our eyes, and try to visualize the days of yore.

Maybe we’ll even be able to remember that a society existed before the coronavirus mass freakout.

Wait, I think I remember it…

It’s all starting to come back to me now…

Such a simple era it was.

(That historic period known as 2 weeks ago in mid-February)

Ah, those were the days…

Our big freakout back then was the “issue” of people reclining on airplanes.

Remember that?

Since I lack the brainpower to solve anything virus-related, I’ll just buckle down and focus on a subject I know very well…

Jackassery.

Think of the coolest humans you’ve ever known. Because I think I can tell you a special trait they all share. Something only found in the best of the best. It’s not about money, status, or being a perfect person. We all screw up constantly in our lives. But the cream of the crop can do something that the masses cannot…

They have an ability to look at their behavior and say:
“Yeah, I was a jackass there.”

And not just with big screwups once a year. No, they can do it on a daily basis. In big ways and small. Sounds simple enough, right? But that leads to being able to really talk to those people and feeling safe in arguments with them. Simple as it sounds, admitting error is literally the definition our society uses for being a “big person.”

On the other hand, think of all the mediocre people you’ve known. Most of them just can’t (or won’t) admit when they’re wrong. At least not with ease. It can often feel like pulling teeth to get them to see when they’re being a jackass. You can only go so far with a person like that. That stubbornness hurts a person’s ability to be a good friend, employee, spouse, parent, and boss.

In 2020, even the obvious shit (like reclining seats) is up for debate now. There are strange opinions all over the place and that can get frustrating. So, as the Dean Of Clarity here, I’m ready to help guide you through this mind-numbing sea of confusion. Welcome to, “Who Is The Jackass In This Situation 101.”

Here are a few real-world scenarios..

Starbucks:
(A) Marketing guy in an expensive suit gets to the front of the line, staying on the phone constantly, and gives the barista a “just one more minute” finger wag while continuing his phone conversation.
Answer: Frat guy is the jackass here. Odds of him seeing it? Slim-to-none.

(B) You walk into the same Starbucks, see people working on their laptops and devices at every table, sigh loudly enough for people to hear your passive aggressive disapproval…and leave.
Answer: You’re the jackass here. Nothing major. Good starting point to embrace the power of seeing your day-to-day minor jackassery.

Driving:
(A) Teenage girl has trouble staying in her lane because she’s making a Snapchat video while driving. You honk at her and she gives you the finger.
Answer: Not only is she the jackass here…this is high-level jackassery that might actually get someone killed one day.

(B) On the same highway, you tailgate a car because the driver is going slightly under the speed limit in the right lane.
Answer: You’re the jackass in this case. It happens. Yes, the driver might be annoying. But they don’t owe it to you to drive at the speed that makes you most comfortable.

Grocery Store:
(A) You wait behind frazzled and sleep-deprived new parents who attempt to buy 27 items in the “10 Items Or Less” lane. No emergency happening…just a lack of sleep and energy. You express that it isn’t fair to the people in line.
Answer: They may have a decent reason…but they’re the jackasses here.

(B) You get stuck behind an old-timer who appears to be from another era. Moving slowly and clearly not part of the typical go-go-go energy of 2020. This person pulls out a checkbook and is chipping away at your patience with each second of this brutal time suckage. You mutter, “Serously?” and bury it under an impatient cough.
Answer: You’re the jackass here. Sure, it sucks to be stuck behind this person….but what makes you entitled to have someone move at your preferred pace and use your preferred method of payment?

Bathrooms:
(A) Men and women share a single one-stall bathroom at work and one guy from Accounting always leaves the toilet seat up. Every single day.
Answer: Like it or not, he’s the jackass there. But, hey, at least he’s better than the dude who pees on the seat and doesn’t flush. That guy might have serial killer tendencies.

(B) Same bathroom. Someone waits outside the door for you to finish. You hear the light knocking but it doesn’t sound urgent. So you continue to do some leisurely reading and…well, yeah, you’re the jackass here.

Theater:
(A) A businesswoman with a new iPhone sits in the row in front of you checks her emails during the movie. Her thinking is, “The movie sucks, I turned the brightness way down, and there isn’t anyone sitting next to me.”
Answer: Her thinking is really about her discomfort in seeing, “I’m the jackass here.” And if she actually takes a phone call, her jackassery goes to the next level. If she uses her speakerphone, she (like all public speakerphone users) should be placed under immediate house arrest.

(B) You spend big money to see Denzel on Broadway. You make a glamorous weekend out of it for this to be a special gift for your best friend (who just got dumped). You excitedly enter the theater, sit down, and realize that your seats are directly behind two very tall basketball players. You are bummed for good reason…this weekend cost a small fortune. The theater is packed and there aren’t any other seats available. Your passive aggressive grumbling begins. Deep down in your frustration, you hope they hear it because you can’t see over their massive heads.
Answer: The situation sucks, but you are the jackass here. There are various non-jackass reactions available, but all of those involve expressing yourself like a normal, healthy adult.

Jussie Smollett
(A) A celebrity fakes a hate crime and lies about it. Pretty clear domino effect…
Claim a hate crime when there’s no hate crime…do damage to actual victims of hate crimes.
Much like lying about a rape when there wasn’t one will do damage to actual victims of rape.
Answer: Smollett is the jackass here and should pay the appropriate legal price for his actions.

(B) Let’s pretend I am so much angrier about fake hate crimes and fake rapes than I have ever been about a real perpetrator of either of those crimes.
Answer: I’m the jackass here. And that kind of mismatched emotion speaks volumes about me.

And now to our conclusion…

Reclining Seats On An Airplane
First, the anger in this national debate was somewhat illogical. It would have made more sense if the emotion was directed at the airlines for squeezing people into small spaces to such a degree. This reminded me of a Whole Foods near my home that was built with abnormally small dimensions. There is no possible way to have 2 shopping carts fit in an aisle there at the same time. The store was designed perfectly to create confrontations. And there is drama happening every single day in that Whole Foods. So let’s assume that some airlines have created a similar mess. Well, most people still don’t want to make formal complaints, attempt to figure out solutions, or even do the most basic research about which airlines offer the most legroom. When it comes down to it, the masses would rather just book the cheapest flight they can find and then bitch when they get on the plane. For the special people who actually care about looking fairly and reasonably at a situation, let’s break this one down…

Any elbowing, shoving, kicking, or pushing on a flight for non-extreme reasons is clear-cut jackassery. Any pounding on the back of someone’s seat like a brain-dead gorilla belongs on the list of things we shouldn’t have to debate.

Answer: There is zero excuse for pounding on someone’s back when all they’ve done is reclined their seat as it is designed to do. Yes, flying is often a pain. Yes, it blows when someone reclines and you get even less space. But if you have an issue with someone reclining (other than during takeoff and landing), then it is in fact your issue. If it’s that important to you, just ask like a sane person if the person in front would mind sitting up a bit. Under no circumstances is the appropriate response banging on someone’s chair simply because you can’t speak to a human. No banging is acceptable. Not even when you’re behind the gross travel slob who farts 57 times during a flight. And not even with the nasty barefoot lady who puts her toes up on the tray table next to you. If you deal with these people by shoving them…you must enroll in Jackass 102 immediately.

Laker Town

It’s been just over a year since I retired from writing about miles and points. I haven’t looked back to see how interesting (or strange) the things are that have popped into my head each month since. But that’s how it goes…whatever is in my head is all I write about now.

Over these past few days, I’ve absorbed countless hours of information about a helicopter crash 10 miles from my home. My brain is currently in obsession mode. I just can’t turn this coverage off. I’m watching and reading everything.

A little backstory…

Los Angeles is (obviously) a different kind of place. One that confuses the hell out of tourists. It can feel like an endless maze of freeways, obviously. But it’s also more like 100 towns than it is a typical big city with a real center. My sister moved here a few years ago and I warned her how important it would be to build her own community. Because, in a lot of ways, the city doesn’t offer a normal sense of one.

LA is full of people from somewhere else. Which is why you don’t hear any chatter about LA pride like you do so often in New York or Texas or wherever else. A big percentage of this city arrived here later in life with their roots planted elsewhere. Even the buildings tend to lack history here. If you want to walk through a 200 year-old relic that overflows with interesting stories…jump on a flight to New Orleans. Here, old structures get replaced by something new and shiny every time. But Los Angeles does have one institution that fills its people with pride. Something so powerful that it can even pull this city together with a semblance of community…

I am, of course, referring to the Lakers.

It’s hard to describe just how much this city adores their team. More than Dallas loves the Cowboys…more than New York loves pizza…hell, even more than Alabama loves illiteracy.

The Lakers have been the gold standard for athletic franchises over the last 40 years. You’ve heard all the “Hollywood” stereotypes of “too cool for school” California people, right? All the vanity about how they look? Well, throw it out the window when it comes to the Lakers. Expensive luxury cars are decorated in purple and gold flags just like the old clunkers are. Famous faces are dressed in the same mismatched team gear as blue collar fans. And every bar on every block…in rich neighborhoods and poor…will erupt with the same jubilant cheers during each playoff win.

This disconnected city comes together for their beloved team every season.

Contrary to current opinions, Kobe was neither the best nor the worst human being who has ever lived. But he was the recognizable face of a remarkable franchise for a long time. I’ve watched movie stars giggle like starstruck teenagers when getting a chance to meet the guy.

In the 20 years that I’ve lived in this city, I’ve never experienced a collective emotion like what has happened since that helicopter went down. I haven’t seen anything close to this. It feels like everything stopped for a few days here after that crash. But it’s national news. As always, my biggest passion is observing humans. And there’s just so much to observe right now. These are my thoughts on various subjects that have to do with all this. My writing will be much sloppier than usual because I’m obsessively reading and watching everything right now. Please forgive the unusually poor grammar and consider this to be more of a stream-of-consciousness type of writing than usual.  

Thought 1 – Death is wild

It’s incredible how we humans will keep seeing death over and over in our lives and then continue to respond to it by saying stuff like, “I can’t believe it. I just talked to him yesterday.”

Obviously…logically…we talked to him yesterday because he was alive then. And now he’s dead. But that seems to be a very difficult part of our human nature. We just can’t grasp how precious life is or how suddenly it all ends. We understand the concept in our heads, but then each day we go right back to acting like it’s a sure thing we’ll wake up tomorrow.

No wonder we’re all so drawn to people who live life fully like the valuable commodity it is.

Thought 2 – Celebrities  vs. “regular people”

This whole concept of celebrity is strange. But so many people automatically think of “celebrities” as either better or worse than “regular people.” And that takes a weird dynamic to an even weirder place. It’s so scary how easily we lump individuals into a “type.” Shouldn’t it be common sense that there are both wonderful and awful white people, black people, Christians, Muslims, celebrities, coal miners, rich people, poor people, and everything else? Why’s it so hard for us to see humans as individuals? Automatically thinking of “celebrities” as good or bad is absurd. We have more thoughts about Kobe than the others simply because we’ve spent more time watching him. It’s impossible to have as many opinions about the others in that chopper because we haven’t had years of footage of them. That doesn’t mean they’re better or worse. Just that they’re strangers to us and he isn’t.

At first, I found myself thinking, “It must be extra tough being a family member of the other passengers because the story is all about Kobe.” But then I looked closer at the coverage. Those other names and faces are being shown all over. And then I heard this man talking about how helpful it has been for him to see so many other people grieving at the same time. Finally, it was touching to see this foundation dedicated to helping the other victims with the financial side of this. I believe they’re receiving significantly more attention than they would have if this were just a “regular” helicopter accident.

Thought 3 – Being sad for people you don’t know

I went to the post office yesterday and the clerk was a sweet woman who looked to be in her early thirties. She greeted me warmly and asked how my day was going. I told her it seems like this has been an odd week for everyone. That’s literally all I said. And then I noticed her eyes welling up with tears. She said, “I’m not even into basketball, but can’t watch any of the stories. I don’t know why it makes me cry but it’s just so sad.”

Why do people get emotional when someone famous dies?

It seems to be a very common theme. I’m hearing a bunch of stuff like, “I can’t believe I’m this sad about someone I didn’t know.”

But…why?

First, we’re human. It would be very strange to feel nothing when hearing about a guy taking his daughter to her basketball game and them dying in a fiery crash on the way. But, beyond that, I think the more positive memories we have with someone…the more they mean to us emotionally. And millions of people had countless good times “with” Kobe Bryant from afar. Grilling steaks with loved ones while cheering on a team can become real highlights in our life. Those can become great memories for us. Doing that kind of thing for years while watching a person can become a relationship of sorts. So, I don’t think it’s strange at all when I hear this impacted someone like a “real” loss would. Especially because these people died prematurely.

Thought 4 – A need to canonize or crucify

Kobe clearly wasn’t a perfect man. And I find it strange how we suddenly start viewing people as that after they die. But it’s also odd that so many others are convinced they know…without a doubt…this guy was a violent rapist. If true, then obviously he should be in jail. But what do most of us actually know? Whenever there’s a settlement and statement, there is so much negotiated that we simply have no knowledge of. So, why do we need to act like we know what happened? Whether we think of him as innocent or guilty, why do so many of us feel convinced that we know what happened in that hotel room?

Media is a very powerful tool. And social media has taken that to another level in the last few years. It happens more than we realize. Media tells us what to feel. And then we feel that. We’re programmed no matter what side of a narrative we’re on. I find this to be a very dangerous trend.

Obviously, nobody should get away with rape. My point is this…if you see him as the bad one and the other victims as the good ones, what are you basing that on? Your intimate knowledge of the lives of the people on that helicopter? Because I don’t know if you have that. And if you see Kobe as a heroic figure who could never rape anyone, what are you basing that on? All the times you hung out together by the lake? I think many of us are very comfortable forming strong opinions with limited information.

(Clearly, there are legal and medical experts who are much smarter than I am when it comes to the specifics of a case like this. And if they do actually know it intimately, then I’m certainly not referring to them and their expertise)

Thought 5 – What about luck?

I’ve been trying to read about the crash itself, but it seems like those answers won’t come for months (if at all). And I don’t know if that really matters. We move on while those families stay devastated by this indefinitely. And I guess that’s how this stuff goes. Life moves on, but the families involved in tragedies are left with a supersized hole in their world. There has been a staggering amount of love and emotion with this incident, while similar deaths happen every day. I guess it’s good that this one captured our attention. And maybe one day we’ll really grasp just how short all this is…how lucky we are to make it to the end of a day.

Or maybe we’ll just keep acting as if tomorrow is a sure thing.  

Realistic Resolutions

I should probably be more realistic about my New Year’s resolutions.

Like many of you, I will eat better…

For a week.

I’ll look deep into the eyes of my family and friends to articulate how much they matter…

Just as infrequently as ever.

And I’ll exercise with WAY more intensity…

(until I get tired of doing that)

So, instead of improvement, maybe my goal for the new year should be avoiding any further decay. On that note, here are…

The 10 types of people I want to avoid becoming in 2020:

• Dude who uses his speakerphone in public.
  What possible explanation is there for being that annoying? I certainly can’t go down the path of speakerphone dude in this new year. Because then I’ll just be a quick hop away from becoming a total sociopath….one who does the darkest of deeds…yes, texting in a movie theater. It’s critical I keep a close eye on my speakerphone use in 2020.

• Man who wakes people up from naps for no reason at all.
  You know the type, right? That special breed of jackass who wakes people up just to say something inane like, “Wow you were out for a while, huh?”

• Guy who says “that’s hilarious” instead of laughing.
  It seems so simple. When something is funny, humans laugh. How the hell do you mess with a natural reaction that even a toddler has perfected? Hopefully I’ll make it through the new year without screwing up my basic human instincts.

• Someone who insists on greeting others with a kiss on the cheek.
  How does that work, exactly? Do I kiss one cheek or both? Is there some light fondling involved? Man, I feel like I just figured out all of the various handshakes. Well, hopefully I can continue to draw the line at hugging.

• A person who uses phrases like “the biz” or “the hobby.”
  Clearly, this is unforgivable. But, beyond that, if I start using words like “slay,” “hashtag triggered,” or “movember,” please find me and scream loudly in my face. I will deserve that.

• Guy who can’t figure out how to enter an elevator.
  After a lifetime of getting into elevators, why is it still such an unsolvable puzzle for some? Is it really that difficult to let people out before trying to squeeze awkwardly past them? Fingers crossed that I can escape 2020 without joining the ranks of the elevator morons.

• Dude who brings his stinky food on an airplane.
  Remember the middle seat guy who ate a can of tuna 90 minutes after takeoff? Well, I do. Because he sat inches from me last week and I’m still recovering from it. Which brings us to…

• Foodie who makes weirdly sexual noises when eating.
  I enjoy great cuisine as much as anyone, but do we actually need to hear orgasmic moaning in a restaurant? If you happen to hear those types of sounds from me at a dinner table in the new year, please consider it a midlife crisis situation. And send help.

• Person who won’t learn the difference between “your” and “you’re.”
  Normally, I’d say that’s the rock-bottom scenario for me. But there’s still one potential 2020 outcome that’s far more disturbing…

• Dude who continues to say “Happy New Year” in April.
  If I become that type of creature, it will probably mean that I’m also a leave-the-Christmas-lights-up-all-year man. Which is a clear indication that I’ve given up completely. No matter how bad this year gets…even if all else fails…I must draw the line at “Happy New Year” greetings before winter turns to spring.

Since it’s only January 1^st, it’s still safe to wish you guys all the best in 2020. Let’s all aspire to be something…anything…other than the people above. Happy new year, nerds!